no, not you, him.
i hate that you hurt me.
i hate that i tried so hard for 2 and a half years because you had me tied around your disgusting finger.
i hate that i allowed it.
i hate that i believed you every time you said you would never do it again, even when you would say that then do it 5 minutes later and make the same promise.
i hate that i thought i loved you.
i hate that you made me gain more weight than i have ever gained, then made me lose weight faster than i ever had.
i hate that you called me names that will stay in my mind forever.
i hate that i was stupid enough to move in with you.
i hate that i didn't listen to my friends.
i hate that you called me fat and then anorexic.
i hate that i fell for your tricks.
i hate that you made me feel disgusting and hate sex because you forced it.
i hate that you made me think the problem was within me.
i hate that you threatened me by using my "fish".
i hate that even that wasn't enough for me to leave.
i hate that it still hurts.
i hate that, even though you're no where near me, things you've done and said can still send me to my hell.
i hate that i believed you could change.
i hate that you threw me around like a rag doll.
i hate that you mocked me when i cried.
i hate that my final straw was when you told me, at my friends candle light vigil, that it should have been me that was murdered.
i hate that i let it get to that point.
i hate that my pain shows through in my relationship now.
i hate that i'm so scared of it happening again that i push everyone out before they can hurt me.
i hate you. i don't forgive you, but i forgive myself. i've tried to be strong for too long and now i can't. i need to cry. i need to be mad. i need to let out the pain you've caused me so i can move on. you are a dent in my car. that's it.
i am not scarred.
i am not flawed.
i can move on.
i can be that person who was strong. who didn't feel so hurt. you can't hurt me anymore. you will not infringe on my life. these tears will be the last i will cry for what you did. this is the last time i will feel sorry for myself. i am not little, the one who was abused. i am little, the one who survived.
I know the feeling. I broke up with my ex recently, and man. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done. It's hard to not wallow sometimes. I know that you're going to be OK though - because even though it might be hard to say something like "I'm going to move on" because you may not be sure how much you believe it, the more you say it the more it will come true!
ReplyDeleteI am new to your blog and sorry to hear you are going through a horrible time at the moment. From what I read you seem a lovely beautiful person and you will come through this, it will make you stronger. I also have been through something like this, my ex mentally abused me for years and one thing I learnt, no man will EVER do that to me again. In time you will thank him for the pain because you will fly now and he will always remain the low life he is.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
Aww, Little :(
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this so much. Why, oh why are such shitty people able take advantage of great people like you (and I)? As you know, I am still trying to figure it out...although it really may never make sense.
This post was so beautiful and honest, which is why I love your blog so much. And I feel that it is a HUGE thing to be able to write out and re-read all of the gross shit this guy did to you. It's a great thing that you are even able to SEE these things, because I know it is so easy to pretend this stuff never happened.
You will definitely come out a stronger person from all of this :)
<3
ReplyDeleteGet 'em, sweetie-pie :)
ReplyDeletehttp://roxxybelle.blogspot.com