no, not you, him.
i hate that you hurt me.
i hate that i tried so hard for 2 and a half years because you had me tied around your disgusting finger.
i hate that i allowed it.
i hate that i believed you every time you said you would never do it again, even when you would say that then do it 5 minutes later and make the same promise.
i hate that i thought i loved you.
i hate that you made me gain more weight than i have ever gained, then made me lose weight faster than i ever had.
i hate that you called me names that will stay in my mind forever.
i hate that i was stupid enough to move in with you.
i hate that i didn't listen to my friends.
i hate that you called me fat and then anorexic.
i hate that i fell for your tricks.
i hate that you made me feel disgusting and hate sex because you forced it.
i hate that you made me think the problem was within me.
i hate that you threatened me by using my "fish".
i hate that even that wasn't enough for me to leave.
i hate that it still hurts.
i hate that, even though you're no where near me, things you've done and said can still send me to my hell.
i hate that i believed you could change.
i hate that you threw me around like a rag doll.
i hate that you mocked me when i cried.
i hate that my final straw was when you told me, at my friends candle light vigil, that it should have been me that was murdered.
i hate that i let it get to that point.
i hate that my pain shows through in my relationship now.
i hate that i'm so scared of it happening again that i push everyone out before they can hurt me.
i hate you. i don't forgive you, but i forgive myself. i've tried to be strong for too long and now i can't. i need to cry. i need to be mad. i need to let out the pain you've caused me so i can move on. you are a dent in my car. that's it.
i am not scarred.
i am not flawed.
i can move on.
i can be that person who was strong. who didn't feel so hurt. you can't hurt me anymore. you will not infringe on my life. these tears will be the last i will cry for what you did. this is the last time i will feel sorry for myself. i am not little, the one who was abused. i am little, the one who survived.