fourtune telling.

i think i have a gift. i can predict my future. it's fabulous. so many good things have happened to me this week that i just knew that something was bound to invade my happy dance. oh, it did.

wednesday- i went to see the white buffalo with music and a group of his friends. before i had even seen him he was in mortal combat attack mode. i had no idea where it came from or how to handle it because, in my opinion, i had done nothing wrong. it started with the fact that he expected me to drive to the bar alone while he went with all of his friends (male and female). i felt like an idiot and i know it sound so silly to not drive by myself but he had asked me to go with him and i felt it was right that we literally GO together. i ended up going in a car with him which was fine and then we stayed at his place and my question that i had asked earlier came up so i had to explain myself (topped with a little bit of slow). in the morning i asked him if he wanted to meet up downtown to celebrate my birthday and he said sure.

thursday- music texted me later on when i told him that i didn't think samantha and i were going downtown and he said he was relieved because he was tired. plans changed, and i had left my id with music so i invited him again. samantha and i went to her friends birthday party then headed downtown at 11:30. music said he would stay but by the time we got down there he'd gone home. we drove over because i still needed my id. it went all downhill from there. he said he wasn't going to come out but he would come tomorrow (friday, my birthday party). i don't know why it happened then and why i wasn't prepared sooner but i started crying.

a little background on my last relationship- he was abusive in every way like it was a job and he wanted a promotion. my last birthday was the worst birthday i had ever had and ever hope to have. he left me in san diego and almost got us kicked out of the hotel. it was horrible. this year, my goal was to make this one the best yet. i think it just all overflowed. i feel horrible and embarrassed that it happened in front of him.

after the initial cry- kattie and i made our way to My Bar because some friends were there. i wanted to make things better and tried calling music before we got there but it was an absolute fail. no answer and no response to my texts either. in my drunken mind it made sense to just go over and explain what happened, thinking he would understand. i was wrong. he flipped out. we ended up arguing till 5am and i was crying more. he was mean, hurtful, and didn't want to listen to what i was saying. i was shocked. on top of all that my car wouldn't start when i wanted to leave so i had to spend the night.

friday (day of my birth)- i left music alone all day but texted him that night asking if he was going to come. his response:

After getting no sleep last night, and getting all fired up and arguing for so long and after you telling me that i have problems...I hope that you have a good birthday:)and, I do mean that, but I'm sittin this one out. I'm not even off work till 11 or so anyways.

ME

I understand but I really want you to come and its my birthday. Can we just put down the swords for tonight? Please.

10 minutes later...ME

Even if we fought my birthday should be an exception. Just as yours would be. I get where I was wrong last night. I'm sorry. This was one fight but I can promise it wouldn't happen again.

2 hours later...ME

You owe me birthday sex.

yeah...that last text probably ruined it all. no responses and no show, obviously no sex. the fact that he refuses to understand where the origin of my drama came from completely goes against who i thought he was. i still haven't gotten any texts or calls from him. i plan on giving him some space and trying to talk to him in a couple days. i don't want this to be over for this reason. i'm hoping things can be fixed.

regardless of what happened with music, i had a great night last night. i got completely shit-faced and threw up. lovely. i definitely think i successfully recelebrated my 21st. i'm still hungover and sick as well. but it was worth it.

now why you gotta go and assume somethin like dat?

yeah my ghetto-chic chick is comin' out right now. and in a girl that is only 4'10 well that can be a overstimulated amount of ghetto.

well on a good note...i won a bike yesterday! i never win anything...now doesn't everyone who wins something always use a line like that? but seriously the only other thing i've won in my life was a basket at a raffle when i was 16 and the lady stole it from me. i still think i have grounds to bang on her door every day and demand my movie basket but i'll let it go. still, i won!! this is the bike:

but i am going to trade it in for this one:

now you probably can't tell from the picture but the tread on the wheels is hello kitty's face, which is a little depressing because she's going to get her pretty little face smashed every time i ride her like a speed demon, but that's ok. what can i say? i like it rough. can't you tell by my choice in wheels?

early birthday present from the birthday fairy? i never thought it was true but it was! it was!

anyway, onto the juicy stuff and my reason for my ghetto-licious attitude coming out. i decided that i would talk to music before i talked to slow just to figure out where he stood on our sudo-something. in no way was this some super spy ploy to figure out if he wanted a relationship with me asap and i tried to make that clear before i asked my question...our convo went a little like this (well the dating part of it)...

ME

ok, so i don't want you to take this as me asking you because i want anything from this right now or anything like that. and i really don't care what your answer is either way but i just have to ask for my reasons ok?

MUSIC

ok...

ME

but please don't think its because i want a relationship or something right now because i know that that could be how it comes out ok?

MUSIC

ok.

ME

are you dating anyone else right now?

MUSIC

well, no. i was talking to someone before i met you and i still talk to her now but i'm not dating one else. and i really like you but i feel like you're pushing a relationsh...

ME

no, no, no. that's why i tried to clarify. i definitely don't want anything right now. i was talking to someone before too but now i say that i'm dating someone, just not who. but i needed to know for that reason. sorry.

MUSIC

its ok.

mmmmmmhmmm (finger snaps). i doubt that. but right now i don't have time to worry about what he thinks about my question. if he ends it when i tried my best to make sure he knew that wasn't my reasoning then that is bullshit and not worth my time gangsta. and i will not let anyone ruin my birthday. cause if that happens he will get a big ol' ahhhh hell nah!

the time has come my little friends.

well, after the past few months of a slow start with slow we're finally going to get the chance to see each other...after 4 years! we get one night and one night only. but now i'm in a position where that one night will not be anything like what it could have been if he had come a month ago, or even 2 weeks ago. now i'm in a dilemma. now i'm in a double dilemma, and there is no cherry.

dilemma one: he's finally going to be down here but now i am finally with someone that i am falling for faster than i could have imagined. i don't want to do anything to ruin it. and trust me i happen to be the mayor of that ancient city. so now i have to tell him about this. i'm scared that i'm going to be back in that position that i was in with 23. being here again is like waking up knowing you're in for a car crash but getting in the car anyway. i love slow to death, but i see myself more with music. and now i have to break this to a guy that i just had a fight with through facebook chat like we were already in some sort of sudo-relationship. is anything ever easy?

dilemma two: i cannot make a mistake now. i can't let my red-eyed, furry-sex shoe wearing monster take over and let me jump on top of slow and make things go fast. i will not make any kind of mistake; i don't care where music and i stand at that point. what i do know is i plan on asking him, within the next 2 weeks, to be my date to my cousin's wedding and that is taking this to the next level, a level that says you mean much more to me than just a sexy sleepover or fun night out. and saying that means saying no to slow, and fast.

both of these are two obstacles that are going to show me how i feel about this sudo-something with music. if i can jump the hurdle, and clear it cleanly, at least i know my feelings are real.

4...3...2...1...birthday!

i'm still at the age where turning another year old doesn't mean staring aimlessly into space and wondering where the time went and counting the new gray hairs and wrinkles...yikes. no sir, i can't wait to turn another year older. this year is especially meaningful because my life has done a complete 180 from last year. yes there are the "if only's" but without those i wonder if i would be where i am right now, right this moment. regardless of whatever negative things may be hanging on to the heels of my favorite black suede platform pumps, i am still more happy than i could have ever been if still in that muck of last year.

so what better way to celebrate than go back to the scene of the crime? relive my 21st and this time let's do it right! i plan to be wasted. i plan to be a mess. i plan to be having the time of my life this friday with the people i love and that i want in my life for the rest of my life. and so far, the people coming are people i couldn't live without and the people i wouldn't have gotten this far without.

unfortunately, my miranda won't be there (bitch is still in her paradise, traveling the world), but as we do with all the parties we've thrown since she left, we have her there in spirit...and in our bruised bitches (don't worry that's only a drink).

the best part of this night: instead of having an abusive asshole there who ruined my entire birthday week last year, i'm going to have an amazing mr. music who has already started this semana off in the best way...not to mention ended my easter well too :) last night (easter, to clarify) i was promised a great ending to my birthday week on top of it all as well. what better way to consummate the day of birth than by some good ol' birthday sex?

"i am not a whore. but i like to do it."

oh, and speaking of whores, well at least being called one while standing on a corner in a very vulnerable whore-like position...

samantha was at dinner with her family on saturday and inevitably ran into a previous hook up who had no choice but to stick around seeing as he was their server. after a awkward dinner she stepped out to smoke. now down on the peninsula all the streets are small and everything is located on the main street so every car that drives by sees everything they pass. well, a car of obnoxious newportian guys happen to see sam on the corner smoking her cigarette (i guess in a way she sets herself up for a position like this). what better idea than for them to yell "whore" as they pass? ohhhh southern california.

light it up.

i see something in music, no not the kind you hear but the man. can you guess what? i am falling like a rock. bad little, bad.

two is better than one and a little french.

now may be a good time to mention that there isn't just one man in my life at the moment. though i will say that when, or shall i say if, things with music become more serious this will no longer be a ménage à trois. the situation is not so much about the sex when it comes to Slow...though. with us, its on an emotional level. now, we definitely have our great talks, he's one of my best friends, but it definitely can get steamy. i can't deny that even the slightest text or thought can send me down oh! avenue.

the negative: he lives 4 hours away and since we reconnected after graduating from high school 4 years ago we haven't been able to get together face-to-face. oh, we've skyped, we've emailed, we've texted, we've im'ed, we've chit-chatted on the phone, we've done everything but snail mail. we talk on a bi-daily basis, if not daily. but until he moves back after he graduates in june it won't go any further than what it is. i'm wondering if i even want it to anymore. when one says that they don't want to "ruin the friendship" most people say that "they're just not that into you." the thing is, i am. i am completely and entirely just that into him. but truthfully, losing him to a ugly breakup, even after a great relationship, doesn't look as pretty as having him as a friend for life.

what's scarier than the relationship is the déjà vu. i've been here before with a guy who was my best friend for 8 years. every time he got a girlfriend i would be left in the dust. when that girlfriend was gone he would tell me that i'd always be his number one girl and his best friend. well here we are in our "23 has a girlfriend/i can't talk to little" stage again and this time i'm afraid it might be permanent. i don't want to go through the pain of that with Slow. my 8 year break up is still hurting and living in the same city as well as having the same friends doesn't help.

come hell or high water, this will not happen with Slow!

somewhere over the sea.

just when i thought that maybe, just maybe, she was a thing of the past there she is, on my computer screen still very much a thing of the present. if you could pick my complete opposite it would be her. tall, blonde, ridiculously fit, the body of a model...oh, wait! she is a model. a bathing suit model might i add! who likes to pose naked from time to time. and here's the sweet little maraschino cherry to top this tan and naked sundae: she has an english accent. oh jolly good day!

ok, now that i have got that off my chest, kind of...why do i need to get this off my chest in the first place? well, see here mate, this happens to be the only flaw to Music. his only little blemish. his ex. samantha and i have done our research and during our nancy drew moment we discovered an entire album of pictures of them on her facebook from 2 years ago. now why would you leave an entire album up? maybe a picture or 2, sure! great! but an entire album! that just screams baggage, not just cute little carry on!

the album wasn't the only reason we did research, he also commented on one of her many photos, one that makes me feel like more ms. balloon for breasts midget than i am and. when the guy you're dating calls a girl a "sexy beast" that doesn't really brighten your day. despite those clouds i decided not to worry about it. sexy beast baggage or no sexy beast baggage i liked him.

well now, she's popping up like a really bad trend that just won't go away. you see it everywhere and you start to wonder, is this thing really sticking around for good? i was feeling pretty optimistic here. he asked me on a real date on monday (comedy night at a bar downtown on thursday), but then apparently wanted to see me sooner and asked if i wanted to hang out tonight. now i'm starting to wonder...do i want to feel like second best next to this model from his past/present? do i want to feel like i always need to compete?

no.

just a note: whether you want to admit it or not, we all facebook stalk. its a friend, its a foe. its dangerous territory and it leads to moments like this where we just want to stomp our feet like toddlers and say "why?! why?! why?!" we're a new generation. the facebook generation. to all facebook stalkers, stalk away!

lost it.

did i mention i also ran into the guy who happened to take my v-card? this guy who not only moved out of state 6 years ago but out of the country. how do the planets align so perfectly (or rather imperfectly) for that to happen? so on my 6 mile run my brain is on a 6 mile run of its own.

i will add that he looked great. at least it wasn't one of those situations where you run into an ex after __ amount of years and you can't possibly imagine why you dated them in the first place.

i still made it a point to run 2 blocks out of the way on the way home just to be sure there wasn't another surprise run-in with another milestone ex.

shoulda. coulda. wouldas.

sometimes you wish you could jump through the cyber world and catch that text/email/im that you just sent before it reaches the phone/computer of the person its meant for like some crazy cyber ninja rescuing a damsel falling from a cyber-scraper.

i feel like that right now.

its not really that the text was wrong, more so that i shouldn't be the one sending a text (period). and therein lies my shoulda coulda woulda. i shoulda thought before i sent. i coulda waited for him to text me then he wouldn't feel so much pressure on his end. it woulda been a better idea. well too late now. now it has passed through that jumbled world of cyberspace where there are billions of other shoulda-coulda-woulda texts and millions of other women are sitting in my same position wishing that they could zip up those sexy, black, thigh high, patent leather boots and go kick some cyberspace monster ass in order to stop the terrible crime of making themselves look desperate.

but why is it, really, that when a woman makes an effort and expresses her true, honest feelings, unwilling to play games, that she is looked upon as being too forward and it tends to make that relationship end in hours? while when a guy does the same it makes things easier, he's sweet and charming? life is unfair. and i feel like the first statement. i may have more gold medals for ruining things than most and i might have just added to that collection.

C'est la vie.

one too many.

i don't know whether i can really accept responsibility for all my mistakes last night. when given a challenge, i'm a true athlete. i take pride in being a poor sport and when my boss said he didn't think i could get a free drink i not only got one for myself but also one for samantha within 2 minutes of accepting. and then by then end of the night that 1 turned into 3. in all actuality it was a good night. i had fun, yes. but still, there are most certainly those regrets that we all must live with. samantha and i hadn't planned to stay at My Bar for the entire night but she, and mostly, i, got carried away.

confessions of a irresponsible 20-something: i kissed a guy who's name i forgot within the first 5 minutes of meeting him. he was cute so at least i don't completely want to hang myself from the shower rod. regardless, i hate myself. i am smitten with mr. music. yes smitten with him. i'm so in like that i not only used a word from a 1950's black and white film but i also drunk dialed him after an awful ending to the night. i can't remember a word i said, but apparently my monologue was so good he just had to save it to share with me, for my amusement (and embarrassment), of course.

about that kiss...it was just a kiss. i'm just seeing Music. there's hasn't been any real establishing "we" to "us" yet so i can't really feel bad about it. and i did the ceremonial scroll through my phone's contact list this morning just to make sure there were no new numbers attached to any unfamiliar names (check here for no __). i guess when you care this much about letting someone down, even when it probably won't, you care this much about that someone.

the night wasn't just full of strange kisses with strange men. the last third of the night has somewhat escaped my mind either by choice or because its just as embarrassed as me and left to laventina's. somehow i ended up dancing with The Man With No Name, but apparently samantha had asked me before if i wanted to leave. if i had been more sober i would have said yes. if she would have been somewhat more aware or, in my opinion, concerned, she would have just dragged me out. instead, my better half left me there.

friends aren't supposed to let friends make out with guys with no names. friends aren't supposed to let friends wake up in the morning and feel awful because there's a man that they can't wait to see in 2 days. how are women supposed to get through life when their girls can't/won't be there in that crucial moment when you are one mixed drink away from making out with mr. i have no degree and probably just want to take you home as soon as i see that you are too drunk to say no? every week i learn a little more about my friend. i learn that she is more forgiving of men. they can eat her heart out time and time again and she'll forgive them but when it comes to a friend doing the tiniest thing it's like hell hath frozen over. the real samantha as a 20-something? i wonder...

anyway, what's wrong with a little regret and embarrassment in life? its what makes us human in the end.

being wrong never felt so right.

well wednesday night i felt like i was being welcomed back to the club, the i just had sex club, in the best way possible.

david met me at my bar, my favorite bar, the one we all have where we can go when we feel like crap or when we want to have the best nights of our lives and this was one of those nights where it was a little bit of both. i wasn't sure how it was going to end. we got some appetizers, a couple drinks and a good talk (it felt like a credit card commercial; the good talk: priceless). i decided that in order to ensure that this "champagne night" was not going to turn into "cham-pain night" i would send a very seducing text. after all, mr. music and i hadn't talked all day:

 "so i'm really hoping we're still on for tonight because i have a really good idea ;)"

and 4 minutes later, mr. music:

"oh yeah;) what's that?"

me:

"You'll just have to wait and see :)"

mr. music

"k....i'll let you know when i'm done"

me:

"Looking forward to it :)"

david warned me that when sending that text i was also sending away my possible chance of having my romantic happy ending, though, chances were, i would definitely get the sexual one. desperate times call for desperate measures, and in all actuality i didn't believe that sex would ruin it just yet. so sext sent, mental images placed and date locked in, i was ready to get it on.

well, needless to say, those not so simple written words got me what i wanted. and so far i've gotten all of it, romantic and sexual happy endings. when i was talking to samantha and recounting my deliciously pleasurable night and, of course, ranking him, i at first placed him in top 5, then, top 2, then he made it to numero uno. what a way to be reinstated back into the club.

my night: 4 hours of music, good conversation, and 2 bottles of champagne. i made the move to let him know that he had my permission to take me out of my sahara desert and out of my drought. it was a bold move and one induced by my worst and best friend, ali alcohol. why i always speak my mind when i'm tipsy, i don't know. i never learn, but it never fails. my shameless way of giving him the green light? i told him i like him and i want this to go somewhere but i'm ok with it being emotionless, no strings attached sex tonight (desperate much?). he either became deaf during the last embarrassing part of my statement or is my own personal superhero coming to save me from my evil inebriated brain. regardless of his super powers, he said he likes me too, but sometimes he has an issue with commitment (of course he does) because of his ex. apparently she was one of those girls that didn't like when he wasn't constantly with her (luckily i'm not "one of those girls" at all). my bold statement made him weary, very understandable, i'd be trying to find that trap door too. 

after looking past my girlish ramblings, we spilled a little more about our pasts before we let the wilder sides take over and oh, was it wild. i felt dirty in the best way. i'd never felt more sexy and more alive than in that time. 

maybe there is something to this waiting thing. even though it was only 2 weeks, in that time we weren't having sex we got to really know each other. we didn't just cannonball into the physical side of the relationship but slowly dipped our toes in. we kicked our feet in the water. and then when we jumped in it was like swimming in the most refreshing ocean which i never wanted to get out of. i wanted to keep dunking my head under and letting the water wash over me. i felt like every part of me was feeling every amazing sensation to the extreme.

samantha and i stayed over last night (she spent the night with his roommate). mr. music was completely wasted so we didn't have sex. he had another friend over, mike, who he kept telling, "remember, this is the girl i told you about. she's so cool." and this morning when he left for coachella he said, "bye, baby," in front of his friends, including the ones he works with. exclusivity...right? i'm no longer questioning where we stand or where he stands. i like that. 

at this point in life where the important questions revolve around what schools to apply to for our bachelors, masters, etc., who to move out with, where to go out on saturday night, the last thing we should worry about is whether or not the guy we like likes us back. we shouldn't have to invest so much time and energy into someone who doesn't invest it back. if and when that love is being reciprocated is when we should worry. until then that's what a cute puppy and your friends are for, always loyal and always there.

my future pup's name? big.

one eye open.

is how i'm walking through today. or i'm peaking through my fingers. i don't want to have it hit me hard in the face when i get royally rejected by the current guy of my dreams. i'm completely anticipating the worst right now. music man too tired, work went late, crushed by ufo...something is bound to come up. i talked to my friend, david, about mr. music and he said that i gave too much too soon. i, personally, don't agree. i teased! i held back...a little. what's a girl to do when you've got this amazing, sexy body on top of you. just to clarify though i did say it has been a month and a half, meaning NO sex yet. so i have kept that at bay.

so the ultimate question is, why am i questioning? why am i left wondering what i could have done wrong? and why is it impossible to take your own advice? i always tell my girlfriends no man should ever make you question whether or not he's into you, but maybe i'm just too into him and my analytical mind is ruining it on its own. my mind is my own little psycho girlfriend. ugh. gross! as if!

bottom line- i've basically decided that, since mr. music knows that tonight would be the last night he can see me before he leaves to his music festivities, if he doesn't that should say how he really feels...right? riiiiiiiight?! right.


*little update* i figured i would go to class with the champagne and my nightly medicine (so i can take it at his house) juuuust in case he calls. that way i can feel like a fool when he doesn't. aren't i the epitome of hope?

dry spells

its been a month and a half. i think that's the longest i've gone in almost a year. sex. the last person was a big regret and a half too. i am really quite on the verge of sending some kinky, scandalous text to...we'll call him, music man...and just having great sex. i already offered up "champagne night" which i thought had somewhat of a hint hidden in between the 2 words but i don't know if it was enough to get his man friend up. i'm dyin over here! really. we've had our few dates, it's time to show him what this girl can do and lemme tell ya, i can DO a lot.

but here is where i become romantically challenged...i offered up our delicious, classy and very inexpensive bottle of chandon and he said it sounded great (great? really, just great?). i then texted today letting him know about my parents lovely rule about me leaving later than 11 and he said that maybe tomorrow would work. it sounds fun (fun? really? fun?) well, your adjectives sound good. yeah, good.

i guess i'm hoping for a little more. like, if you really like me you'll be jumping up and down giggling and asking if we can have mimosas in the morning too, because that, of course, wouldn't make you sound gay at all.

if only every guy came with a manual telling us girls what to do next and giving us a 1-800 number to call with any questions. i'd even be ok with an automated voice right now.

tangent much? bottom line- i need some good, adulterated fun.

little friends.

now if you watch sex and the city you'll know about the mirrors ("There we were, the three mirrors Samantha couldn't avoid"). i have 3 of the 4 sex and the city girls in my life.

miranda: i've known her for a year. she is the one that keeps me grounded and sane. she may not have the lists but she is the most logical. sadly, she has been having her own adventures in Europe for the past 3 months while she studies abroad. she has her head in the right place and is the one out of the 3 of us that doesn't depend on a guy for happiness. they are just there for convenience mainly and to clean out the cobwebs when it gets a little dusty down there.

samantha: i don't know what i would do without her. with miranda 5000 miles away, samantha is my ground. we have each other to hold on to right now and we keep each other up. if there has ever been a carrie and samantha it would be us. she is a sex queen. one drunken night she texted a guy she liked (while with another):

"there are a lot of guys that like me right now but you're the only one i'm into."

samantha 1, boys 0. or boys 1, samantha 0. either way she got laid that night regardless, on my floor, with her foot uncomfortably close to my face, while i was trying to sleep. oh my mirrors.

but we all need our friends. even if its just for a girls night with no talk of the problems that await us when the night is over or if its for a covert operation to chuck a saint patrick's day sweatshirt at a ex's door while you whisper the entire way because you feel like he's going to pop out of every crevasse (that's so much prettier than "crevice"). your mirrors keep you in check. they help you realize when you look a bit like a mess and need to fix yourself up a bit.

little life.

i'm not perfect. nor have i always made the best decisions. i'm human. at this point in my life i don't get along with my parents--at all--and moving in was a last resort. i've changed my major for the 4th time (i've finally settled with psychology) but i'm now a proud 3rd year junior college student who's already being cut off financially which means i can't afford car insurance, something my parents don't know yet. its fun and relate-able i'm sure. nothing someone else hasn't been through before. i guess we all have to recognize that at some point otherwise we become our own monsters. i realized this a year ago.

i have had innumerable lectures from my parents about how unhappy they believe i am but the funniest part of it is that i love myself more than anyone i know (besides my counterpart, samantha, or so we'll call her). i left a relationship that was unhealthy without the help of a single person and became healthier and happier than i've ever been. i'm on my happy cloud.

i protect this life like xena the warrior princess.

little me.

one question one might be asking is why i'm keeping this online...well, for the most part it may remain anonymous. no real names mentioned; i typically have everyone listed under their slightly creative nickname in my phone anyway. and buying a diary for my mac is just not practical right now. besides, i like being creative and this allows me to use that crazy-wild imagination of mine and my amateur photoshopping skills.

 

moving on. i have had difficulty in deciding a name for myself for signing off in this blog. i have a friend that calls me bella, a friend that calls me carrie, i go by shiny bread...the list goes on. i chose the name that i go by best: little. its fitting for my size and who i am searching for...my big. oh so cliche. but i am ms. carrie bradshaw at heart, without the labels and the skyscrapers. i live in possibly one of the worst places to look for love but due to many people pointing it out, i've come to learn that my life is full of very interesting experiences.

i'm in my early 20s and in my very young prime. still not at my peak but reaching it. i just moved back in with my parents in order to save for my own studio apartment where i plan to spend the next (knock on wood) 5 to 10 years. i've made and am making mistakes in my road to love and the "real world" and writing it out is the one thing that really gets that built up roller coaster of emotion out of me.

unfortunately, i can't promise amazing fashion escapades and get-up-and-go vacations with the next up-and-coming donald trump but i can promise drama, adventures and many very entertaining nights out.

so here is where my real story begins. here is where my life really starts. i'm not one safe driver so hang on.

well, hello. i'm little. and this is my little blog about my little life, my little friends, my little loves, and my little relationship(s).

i go by little for the obvious reason (i'm 4'10) and for one other. in my original "about me" i said i was "searching" for my big, but the truth is, i'm waiting for him.

unfortunately, i can't promise amazing fashion escapades and get-up-and-go vacations with the next up-and-coming donald trump but i can promise drama, adventures and many very entertaining nights out. i can promise a relate-able life and a little attempt to share what i've learned. i can promise honesty.

disclaimer

to whoever i know personally: this is my blog. you are more than welcome to read whatever parts you'd like, but there are some things you must know...

1. i am not going to hold back just cause i know you read it.

2. no fights because of what i write.

3. keep in mind, i had this blog started just a weeeee little bit before we met, soooo it's not all about you and there may be things you really shouldn't look at.

4. with that in mind, this is public and i can't stop you from looking at things you may not like.

5. i usually write these post after i've talked to you...usually...sometimes before...sometimes i never bring it up...so don't be offended/upset/mad/weirded out/etc. k?

6. i don't use real names. so don't worry. this won't effect your career/social life.

this originally came from my disclaimer for big. i think this needs to be seen by all.

 

how old are you and where are you from?
i'm 23 (april 29 is mah bday). i'm the definition of a taurus. i was born in a icky, ugly town in california then moved to the beach when i was 7. been here ever since.

did you go to college?
kind of? i have 2 aa's but no ba. and i can't transfer till the end of 2013. and that's if the world doesn't end this year, sheesh! i'm going to school for psychology.

what do you want to do when you are all growed up?
this has been my train of thought since the first day of college: psychologist>>nurse>>doctor>>zoologist (for a month)>>physician's assistant>>nurse>>psychologist>>business owner.

i'm dead set on business owner. i plan to open a boutique once i finish this damn degree.

are you dating anyone?
not seriously (as of may 2012). i'm one of those people that is always dating someone. but there is no one super particular just yet.

tatts or piercings?
i have my ears pierced and i just got my first tattoo. i blame a person for that who may or may not be mentioned in this blog. i love it though. it's here.

what do you do outside of blogging?
i had many jobs. right now i'm a server at a restaurant and a manager at a boutique. i love both. besides work, i just finished school, i love beer, i love food, and i love being with my friends.

what do you write about?
this started mainly as a dating blog. it's expanded to more of an everything blog. i basically have made it a scrapbook of my life.

why are you so honest?
i never actually realized how open i was about my life until i started getting emails about it. and being thanked for being different. i love reading blogs that strictly write about the "good stuff" but it's the "crappy stuff" that we can all relate to regardless of who we are or where were from. honesty is just me. in every aspect of my life. i don't hold back. life is too short.

why did you join dating sites?
a year ago (2011) samantha told me about her plenty of fish experiences. i went with her one night to meet a guy that she had met on there. it was awkward but funny (especially funny because we both happened to wear leopard print tops that night). the guy seemed nice, she wasn't interested. i had been dating a couple guys off and on before i joined and i was getting sick of going to the same bars and running into the same people so, wahlah! i joined. 

i met big, and although it wasn't the best relationship i learned a lot and it was nice to meet someone i wouldn't have necessarily met elsewhere. so now here i am, still on that site, still not giving it up even though i've yet to meet someone i was genuinely pleased by. it's fun. it's distracting. and why the hell not?

why are there so many guys on the list?
i recently made my list a little more organized. not all the guys on that list are guys i'm dating. some are just guys that are strictly friends.

do you do blog design?
yes. email me if you would like to ask about prices and what my sweet skills are.

anymore questions? shoot me an email at:

challenged (dot) romanticblog (at) gmail (dot) com

rainbow.

My 3rd grade crush was a rainbow—the cutest, coolest, funniest rainbow. His name was Larry. He was my future husband. The ken to my Barbie. I would write to my friend about him and she would write to me about his friend sam. i would save the best valentine’s day cards for him. He never actually knew about this secret yearning in my heart and that didn’t matter. i was too busy running the hard streets of marina lane to worry about what a silly boy thought about me.

now, well its a roller coaster. a constant question. do i text him or should i wait for him to text me? but wait! instead of texting should i call? and if he does call or text what do i say or do i say anything or how long do i wait to respond, or, or, or. . .

and what about after that initial hook up? the joys of the female mind. our own worst enemy.

oh how i miss the ease of 3rd grade love. when all it took was a little piece of candy once a year to keep our hearts happy.

this is my life now. i'm the hamlet of relationships. romantically challenged. and that's ok with me. some days i feel absolutely empowered, as though i could battle a man at his game and win and other days they kick my ass but isn't that what the 20s are for? enjoying all of it and isn't feeling that pain being ALIVE?

my friend and i went out the other night after one of those days when i was feeling like i had had an ass kicking and she made a toast to us, no it wasn't unique but it was unique to us and it was just what i needed:

"here's to the men that loved us, the men that lost us, 

and the lucky bastards that get to meet us"

they are fuckin lucky. damnit.