hello, i'm back.

i've taken an unintentional break. life got super busy so i made a twitter to tweet when i was away from bloggerland in case people actually care. no worries about me being one of those people who tweets every little detail of the day.

so what's happenin' hot stuff? well...a lot. the end. notttt.

well, well, well.

jack is gone. he got a bit crispy at dinner last sunday and i decided to not go any further (i wasn't having the best time so i got a bit quiet and he got mad..."alright, this date is over. you can go now" while we're still sitting there). sorry but i'm not too bummed over pancake boy.

the other date i went on went well but, unfortunately, i am not attracted to him. i would love to stay friends but i don't know if that can happen considering we came very close to having sex.

the fourth, and last, guy that i met off of there is perfect so far (we'll call him lloyd). BUT i'm keeping my guard up because there is rarely any guy that i date that doesn't have a monster hiding in the closet just waiting to pounce when i let down my walls...or open the door. the thing is, he is understanding, he cares, he's sexy, he's kinky, he knows what he wants to do and may already have a job lined up at the most famous skateboarding site in the u.s., he wants to talk to me, wants to see me, PAYS (ha), and is now my date to my cousins wedding. "i'm in love, i'm in love, and i don't care who knows it!" (can you name that movie?)

last weekend i spent the night 2x. the second time we went to dinner in burbank, where i learned that you get a ticket for pressing the crosswalk button more than once. i guess you could say it was an educational night. i also learned that we like the same kind of food and we both are down to try something new. i can walk around with him and not feel nervous, but i do feel more happy than i've ever been in a relationship. maybe that's because i'm ready for one.

i think that when you think you're ready because you so desperately want to be you rush in. you don't recognize the fact that even though the front of your mind and the outer parts of your heart say you want it, the deeper you go, the more monsters there are for you to parade. once you're ready you just have to wait for that person to walk into your life and say "hey! i'm ready too. i have normal monsters and so do you, and that is perfectly ok." it's easy. of course not all of it will be easy and that is something i'm ok with too. i took my time, dated different guys, realized i like blondes more than brunettes (maybe because my ex was brunette), i hooked up, had sex, had great sex, had bad sex. it's time now. and i'm not scared. he takes my hand and walks me through it.

today is "meet my parents" day. i didn't want him to go to the wedding without meeting em first. so we'll see how this goes. fingers crossed.

my dress for the wedding. gonna pair it with some black heels.


the movie that the quote is from. elf! duhhh! :)

finals.

i will write when the week is over. for now, i found a boy that was worthy enough to ask as a date for my cousin's wedding...well, well, well. didn't think i'd see the day.

i would write about that but i'm thinking about this.

i'm all about never letting the memory of someone fade but i do think there is a point where it goes too far and too long. there is a moment in the time of grief where you have to let that person go in order to live a normal life. i've lost many people in my life; high school was fantastic. there were at least 2 people that died a year for the 4 years i was in school as well as my papa. in my opinion these losses marked the point where i grew up...fast. even through college i've lost some important people, one who changed my life. story time?

the moment i decided i was getting out of my abusive relationship was when my ex told me (on the way to the memorial for a high school ex boyfriend who's life was taken from him in the most gruesome way) that it should have been me instead. i will never forget that. those words made me want to live the fullest life. carpe diem mother fucker. at the memorial one of jake's friends came up to me and said that i was the best girlfriend jake had ever had and that i made him a better person for the time that i was with him. i felt like jake was there watching over me and everyone else at that moment. the look on my ex's face was priceless. that night he walked back to the apartment, got what he needed and never came back (all my decision).

i think that living as though that person is still there stunts you so much. if you live in the past, you will never see the future. tunnel-vision. yes i miss my grandpa, yes i miss blue gatorade, yes i miss taylor, cody, jake...but if i were to be stuck in that time i couldn't even begin to imagine how much pain i would still be in.

samantha and i were on a double date one night and as i was gettin busy and her as well, she got a call from a friend saying that one of her close male friends had killed himself. the first thing i did was hug her. 2nd i told her that whatever she wanted to do at that moment we would do (she could have said she wanted to swim to hawaii and i would have). the thrid thing was that this is where she can either decide to let this destroy her or it can build her. she can live the life he couldn't and be the best she can to make him proud. she chose the latter. she is such a strong person. so far she is on the 4th friend to pass away this semester but she is powering through these brick walls and turning them into dust.

i understand that losing someone you love changes you regardless of how hard you try to stay positive. places you've been, song you sang, movies you watched, inside jokes, all are painful to remember but the fact is you have to let go. otherwise, those movies, songs, places, jokes don't bring that happy (yet bittersweet) feeling back. for me, if i were the one that passed, i would want everyone to party and live the best life they could and love me but not dwell. no need for pain.

my papa and me.

hotcakes vs. pancakes.

i would say that the date last night was successful. another online fellow, we'll call him jack.

i started talking to this guy a few days ago and figured he would qualify for victim #2 (i mean that in the best way possible, of course!). i'm realizing that i am more attracted to older guys (older being under 34 and closer to 27-29). jack is 27. he is a graphic designer for a motorcycle company and works on some major celeb bikes. he asked yesterday if i wanted to go get drinks and because i loved talking to him and saw his facebook, i agreed (he is absolutely adorable too). he suggested drinks in dthb, so we met at a quieter bar...still don't recommend because it was insanely loud even though there were only a few people there. he had 2 jack n' cokes (hence the nickname jack) and i had a 5th of my dirty shirley (my favorite but i had a headache). conversation was great. i told him about my ex, for some reason i felt like i could be open with him.

we both got hungry so we went to harbor house and got pancakes. it was as adorable as him. i've never gotten pancakes at midnight with a date. he's got a great sense of humor to which is right up there with looks/style for me. if a guy can't make me laugh or if i can't make him laugh, houston we have a problem. when he dropped me back of at my car he offered to walk me to the door. he told me that he had a lot of fun then kissed me. i'll admit...it was kind of an awkward kiss. one of those kisses where the guy goes in but you're totally unprepared. we fixed it though. i could see myself with him. who knows? this online dating thing may be paying off.

tonight i have another date. we're going to get starbucks. we'll see how that goes.

update on actor friend: he's been texting/facebooking daily. he says goodnight and good morning. he asks about my day...hmmm. i like. i like a lot. sad thing though, i couldn't get my mind off of him throughout the entire date. i just wanted jack to be him. erg.

well, aren't you crazy.

just a little play by play of my night.

actor friend didn't flake on me this time. he said he was going to be done with his ADR at 630 so i texted him just to double check at about 645. the text almost made me cry tears of joy:

HIM

Yep, nearly there

ahhh yes. those 3 words made my heart jump out of my chest. i felt like a 16 year old waiting to go on my first date, totally nervous and so excited (butterflies included). that feeling lasted the entire night. i took him to dt. hb (downtown huntington beach) because this happens to be my turf and i wanted to show him around. we went to sushi on fire (highly, HIGHLY recommend). he got salmon eggs (poor nemo) and i got a shrimp tempura roll. after we walked down to the pier. it was there that he put his arm around me and then held my hand, something we had never been able to do before. we walked and talked the entire time. there wasn't a dull or awkward moment, and after 4 years of not seeing each other, that says a lot. the pier, might i add, also happens to go past the restaurant where mr. music works and i will admit that i secretly hoped he would see.

we went back to my house after and sat in front for a few minutes. if there was ever a time where i felt more like a teenager again it was then. i don't think i have EVER giggled and i couldn't stop. we kissed after talking a bit and he asked, "what now?" i told him we could go inside...soooo we did. we went up to my room and started kissing when he said that he was so comfortable with me. we hooked up a bit more but didn't do everything because he said he didn't want to since we hadn't seen each other in so long and that he would rather explore me. yes, yes he did explore. he was like indiana long johnson and the exploration of the naked woman. it was incredible. in-cre-dible. let's just say he really knows how and where to use his tongue. mmmhmm. he had to leave because i knew my parents would be coming home soon but we continued the fun through texts. we are definitely on the same page with sex and the kinky things that can come along with it. 

now i think i should mention the fact that the other day i was talking to samantha about how i can't wait for actor friend to come and that i hope he doesn't flake and i had an epiphany. i love him. last night only confirmed that. but i know that if it is meant to be, it will be. i've waited 8 years; i can wait longer.

the other half of the night: i called harrold because i had told my parents i was going out in order to figure out what time they would be back (i don't think it fooled them). i seriously need to move out asap. anyway, he said to come over, so i did. yes, 2 guys, 1 night. so bad i know. but i'm glad i went over because i was able to see that dr. hyde also had a dr. jekyll. we went to sleep but his roommates were having a party and he flipped. i pretended to be asleep but it was hard considering he turned the damn light on. he told them to be quiet then came back in still thinking i was asleep and just went on a lonely rant. he was saying things like, "i could kick all your asses. knock you out in one punch." and "fucking ridiculous." and it wasn't just 2 phrases, it went on for a good 10 minutes. this morning they were loud again so he started on another rant then turned the tv on super loud...still thinking i was asleep. i couldn't lay there anymore. i got dressed and told him i was done. he walked me to his gate and was going to keep walking me but i told him no.

can you say red flag? all that was going through my mind was "is he going to flip out on me?" no thanks. got my tiny ass out of there as soon as i felt he had calmed down enough. so another one definitely bit the dust and i'm proud to say i was the one who left before things got any worse. 

so online dating...kinda nerve-racking. i highly suggest going on many dates before getting too close. you need to see em in action. and to each their own, but i suggest to any guy or gal: wait to have sex. it makes emotions deeper and clouds judgment. i should have seen the flags earlier but i didn't want to because we'd had sex. oh well. i'm playing the online dating game a little bit different now than i was before. i learn fast.

1. take things slow.

2. get to know them outside of their pants.

3. see how they act in public. just because they're great in writing doesn't mean they are great outside of cyberspace.

falling for his tricks.

well, i ended up texting harrold first...after the harry potter text, that is. i reevaluated what i had decided the night before and realized that, since we had already had sex (twice), and it was fantastic, and he is incredibly cute, AND he has been honest, i am willing to keep it goin. keep that fire blazing :)

so i texted him, just to let him know:

ME

Youuuu suck.

HIM

Ur awesome

ME

I know. But its nice to be reminded..... ;)

HIM

Ha. Whas you doin

ME

Just at home. Icy hotting lol. I think I might take back what I said last night about the sex thing.

HIM

Hah. U silly. We kick it soon k..

ME

You just really turn me on. I can't help it. And sweet.

HIM

I like it

yes, i know he has horrible texting grammar but he was also tipsy when he was texting the latter texts so i forgive. i didn't respond to the last text, figured i'd make him wait. it worked because he called me on his way home and when i didn't answer (because i was making a tasty treat) he texted. i called him a few minutes later and he asked me to call him when he got home. he kept asking me to come over but since i am currently living at home, i find it a tad disrespectful to leave at all hours of the night. had i been in my own apartment still i would have definitely gone over, even though it was clearly a booty call.

he sends some very mixed signals though. he wants me around but he doesn't want it to go anywhere? hmmm...insecure? oh well. we'll see what happens. i feel like he's a bit of a player. if this is his game then he's winning (no charlie sheen reference). question: why do we women always fall for the tricks, even when we know their being tricky. it seems as though its inevitable whether you're a c.e.o. or a lowly waitress at 2 restaurants (ah-hem). in my opinion, its because no matter what we are so optimistic in love and we're shown all these faux-hollywood movie relationships where the man changes. unfortunately, men don't usually change. they stay the same jerky playboys for years and no girl should have to wait for their epiphanies.

today i am hanging out with my very gorgeous actor friend (we'll call him actor friend). i've known him since i was 15. we used to be a lot closer and we had a minor thing, but at the time he was already with an actress and we couldn't really pursue it further...don't know if either of us really wanted to either. now, we're just friends. there's still that crush but i consider him a great friend more than anything. so today, after years of trying to fit each other into our schedules, he's coming down. i'm super excited. we haven't seen each other for about 4 years.

p.s.

my yummy treat...correlation: harrold is yummy.

 chocolate ice cream with strawberries.

another one bites the dust?

friday the 13th, oh how i loath you. you have brought me so much bad luck on this day.

i've been hanging out with harrold quite a lot right now (mistake #1). and i gave into temptation like i said i would try SO hard not to do (mistake #2 but he's just so darn cute!). the other night i went over to his house to watch a movie...i had completely innocent intentions to begin with I SWEAR! well we made it through the first hour and 15 minutes but i couldn't help myself. he was there half naked, i was there clothed but wanting to be half naked, we were on an extremely comfy bed, things happen. at first, i was a good girl, a total angel. but, well, he's very persuasive. i gave in. we had sex...twice. it was so good that i couldn't, and still can't, get my mind off of every move and every moment. so what's the problem right? great sex, great guy = awesome right? welllll, no.

my problem- i really try very hard not to do this because everything goes downhill from there. i learned that many years ago. and boy, is it downhill and it went that way fast. i went over last night after a night out with samantha and, unfortunately, friday the 13th was already working its evil sorcery. somehow i've severely injured my ribs (i have no idea how) and last night i was in horrible pain. probably the first hint that i shouldn't have gone over. i still was horny and needed some good horny harrold.

i started kissing him and ended up on top but realized i couldn't do it. i needed more time. i told him we couldn't and because i didn't want him to think that i thought he was a ugly monster, i told him my reasoning: "i don't have sex right away because i know i'm probably not the only person and i think that's gross. i'm not here to have sex with you and 5 other girls." shouldn't have been such an issue in my opinion, but ohhhh was i wrong. he told me that that was a great way to scare him away. i told him i'm just standing behind what i feel and don't want you to think its you. didn't help. we argued until i physically couldn't anymore and was practically (and by practically, i mean i was) crying from the pain. he was 100% there for me, which was great but it didn't feel great. maybe it was because after, he said, "if we're not hooking up then we're just friends." ok thanks pal. i'm glad i'm not worth the wait and i'm even more happy about the fact that you didn't listen to the part where i was just referring to sex. things sorted themselves out the to their fullest extent (which was more like half full) and we went to bed.

this morning i awoke to a flat tire ("ohhhhh harrold! i need you again like i am some poor, defenseless creature that can't fend for herself!"). i once again had to rely on harrold. he obliged, but then told me that the next time i text him better be magic. the "next text" was just me saying sorry for being such a needy person (in a nutshell) and thank you for your help. the nexxxxt text was...magical:

ME

expelliarmus!    was that magic enough for you?

HIM

harry potter?

ME

he's magical

HIM

yes he is

ME

Was it magical enough for you?

HIM

HIM

HIM

those blank lines take the place of the texts he should have sent...but didn't.

here's my question: why do you go on a online dating site if you don't want someone to date?! there are other sites that will provide you with a free slutt (no offense).

sometimes you can pick out the bad ones very easily. they're the ones that immediately ask you on a date or jump right in to asking for your number. sorry buddy, champ, mate, i really need to know a bit more about you before i start handing my digits out.

as the title says, another one bites the dust, but now it's time to say yes to the next one in line.

p.s. a little advice to anyone who can use it: avoid woody's in newps right now if you are trying to avoid the hordes of assholes that find their way in. last night was too much for me and samantha. we're going to be venturing to some classier bars from now on.

workaholic.

i work every single day this week...except sunday (still up in the air due to opening the new restaurant this week). i have a feeling i'm going to be hit with exhaustion by thursday. i feel great right now though. my body is a trickster.

the worst part of all this work is that i don't have time to see harrold. i can at night...but that is sort of seeming too much like a booty call. and girrrrrrl that ain't me. i feel like mr. music right now, only able to hang out at night like a vampire (i vant to sack your blad). i was getting a little worried yesterday with harrold because sunday was fantastic (even though the back seat of my car was slightly violated...no SEX just some safe and fun making out, and ya know i think i'll have to elaborate on that.

elaborate: every time i think of how we made out, and his hand wandering just a little bit, i am ridiculously turned on. this shiver spreads throughout my entire body. bad! why bad? because if we hang out alone i might not have the greatest amount of self-control and i would really like to postpone sex for a couple weeks. i am so bad at saying no, he's like a fantastic pair of sexy stilletos...i just NEED them!

ok, done with that minor tangent. so why was i worried? well, he was just really short with me...through texts (yes i know...give me a break right). i just got a vibe that he didn't really have any interest in talking to me. i texted him before i went into work and he said that he was just making deliveries (he provides the public with their lovely herbs) but to hit him up earlier. so when i got off work, i called...no answer. i didn't get a response until 1:20am. i had no problem with the call, we talked for a good chunk of time and he is adorable. but i was bummed that it wasn't until 1 that he called. he said that he would send me some love today and he kind of has but we'll see.

still doing my online dating experiment. i've talked to a few other young men on there, lots of facebook friend requests and a couple numbers given out. i'm trying to keep some variety in the guys i'm talking to just to get a feel for the different types of men that do online dating.

i have had one crispy. he texted me, i didn't answer. he called me, i didn't answer. then he facebooked me. take a wild guess at what i did. yep didn't answer. i wasn't super interested in him and hoped he would get the hint when i wasn't answering earlier but apparently not. i kind of expected there to be some crazy guys on there, i didn't really have any hope for normality.

btw, did i mention that the text/call/facebook IM all happened with in 5 minutes? seriously, not interested but thank you for your interest.

winning! (had to do it)

last night proved to be very successful! samantha and i went to kitsch bar (highly recommended, dark and sexy and the bartender, rob, bought all sam's drinks) to meet harrold (not his real name though that would be great). we got there at the same time but walked in before he did. when he came to the bar i was pleasantly surprised. he is absolutely gorgeous and dresses perfect! i know that most say looks shouldn't/don't matter but for me they do...a lot. it's not really shallow but more strategic. if i'm going to be in a relationship with you, its inevitable that we will fight therefore if i'm physically attracted to you it'll make it easier to fix things and have great make up sex. chemistry matters much. we had it.

i bought my first drink but he made sure i wasn't thirsty after that. at first he was very quiet and due to the fact that we...shhhh....met online i didn't know how to act. i called him out on his quiet demeanor and things started opening up. he was like a little flower...totally kidding. but we started talking and i learned a lot about him and the kind of person he is. honestly, he's amazing. uh-may-zing. i'm very happy with how this site is working out thus far. i highly contemplated spending the night but then decided it would be in my best interest not to. we did kiss though and it was fireworks. we'll see what happens.

you've got mail.

online dating: the myth, the legend. thus far it's been...interesting to say the least. i've talked to some photo-cute people (photo-cute: people that are cute in pictures but may not be cute in person). what seems to be the case on this site is that i get contacted by a lot of hispanic/asian men. maybe it's because i'm short. don't get me wrong, i'm mexican and i don't mind a tall (or short), dark and handsome man, but when you're all "thugged" out...no thanks. i need a guy with style.

on that note, i may be meeting one of the guys tonight and his friends. samantha and i may meet up with them at a lounge-y bar in costa mexico. if i'm gonna do this experiment i need to do it full out right? it's a little nerve-racking because i don't want him to be unattractive or weird but we'll see.

funny experiences in this online dating test: i've had some cheesy pick-up lines:

"will you be my valentine?"

ummm...no sir, i will not. a) i'm not attracted, b) that was so tacky, c) do you own a calendar? it's may buddy.

"you look very sweet and that's the truth. on that subject, can i borrow a cup of sugar from you? i just ran out"

do i really need to elaborate on why this was so ridiculous? i should hope not.

i have also been offered an awesome free balloon ride...in a fake balloon. and an "acting" gig, which i highly doubt is for real.

the test continues. i at least want to meet 3 guys in person before i give my full evaluation...and i want one bad date :)

oh and p.s. small and i are done, for awhile, if not for good. i mentioned here that he would be down this weekend. well, i took off work on friday night because he said we would hang out...we didn't. he flaked. then last night i texted him saying i would drive to him but he failed. the end.

we like to party.

this week is only halfway over and it has already been very eventful...and flooded with alcohol (naturally).

well first i think i've been reinstated into the HWC. i haven't been as much of a bad girl this time but i definitely have not been an angel. i'm SORRY! i couldn't help it. besides i met him first. hmpf. so on to what has been happening...aberzombie came out with samantha and i on tuesday (taco tuesday is a must down here). it was all in all a great night, if great includes him being scared of running into someone that knew him and his girlfriend because apparently she is a super-villain. we talked about his girlfriend and their relationship (by we, i mean all 3 of us...it was somewhat of an intervention). i found out that she is crazy. she fights with him all the time, physically and verbally. it breaks my little heart to know this considering the lovely similarities that i see in him. he is me 1 year ago, trying so hard to make it work when it really isn't. anyway, sam and aberzombie wanted to go smoke (samantha's horrible habit) and i met them out there a few minutes later. that's when aberzombie's zombie killers came by. he's not sure if they saw him but his girlfriend's brother and his friends went into the same bar we were at. needless to say, aberzombie didn't want to stick around much longer. coincidentally (apparently), the evil girlfriend called at the same time. our night was pretty much over at that point. since then, things have gotten very interesting between me and aber and very sexual. through texts. though i am telling him he can't act on anything until he figures everything out and i won't condone cheating because he has a girlfriend who is somewhat insane...his response:

"We'll see about that"

oh boy.

last night evolved into an interesting one as well. my friend, we'll call him smalls, invited me to the rip curl party. i of course needed my wingwoman, samantha. so we went to a restaurant and met up with smalls and a buffet of hot men. it was a wonderful site to see, i felt like an explorer on a safari and i just spied a family of the greatest species in the world. not good for smalls. one of the less attractive in the herd fell way to hard for my little stature and smalls got pretty jealous. well first of all please don't invite me and then flirt with my girlfriend right in front of me and maybe i won't talk to other guys. well anyway, the bar service was horrible here and samantha almost wasn't let in because her picture on her id is years old so we decided to move the entire party to la cave (or as i like to call it...the cave, i keep it classy). smalls decided that he liked me better at the cave and he was a ton of fun until he got belligerent and until i saw woodys (the object of my affection from my work). smalls sort of got lost in his inebriated mind at that point so i took my way out and started hanging out with woodys. he had a friend with him who was absolutely fantastic for samantha, just retro enough and a little bit of a badass. it was going great and then i met "my new favorite person," we'll call him the pro. he's a professional snowboarder and absolutely adorable. only negative to my new fave, he's 20...almost (2 weeks). age isn't necessarily bothersome to me, especially when he's only 2 years younger but what does pose a problem is going out with him to bars and such. regardless he's a doll.

now onto my new experiment: online dating. i'm trying out plentyoffish.com just to see the dynamics of dating someone online. so far (and i only signed up an hour ago) it's been interesting. i'm going to try going on a couple dates when the right one comes along but as of now, no one. i'll keep you updated. i can't wait for horror stories.

a little update too...i don't know if slow and i will be seeing each other when he comes home tomorrow. he's changed and not in a good way. i feel like he might be seeing someone in SLO. we'll see. i'll keep an update on that too.

only swing for the good ones.

i called mr. music again. slightly intoxicated and slightly late (12a). i couldn't help it. my drunkish mind goes into this "i want to solve the world's problems" state and i just have to fix everything that is broken. did it fix anything? no. he didn't answer...again. but i posted a video on facebook hours ago, and he "liked" it. what the hell is that? either stay away and never speak to me again or keep beating my broken heart and make me hate you. that's where this is headed. a road of hate, which is more like an endless and pointless walk but still there will be hate.

it's cruel really. i don't need to be reminded of you or have to think about the fact that you're gone now. it already hurts enough. thanks. i'll do without your pity "likes." i'm borderline ready to pull a "brett" on his ass. which would be very immature due to the nature of a "brett" but i couldn't care less now. i'm confused. i'm scared that all these guys are scarring me for the next 10 years and dooming me to a life of singledom because i will be too scared to ever let anyone in again. hate. it's looming on the horizon.

the video:


pulling a brett- deleting people from facebook because you can't stand to see their facebook.

epic fail.

well, i called. yesterday. to no avail (expected). so what is my resolve? that he is just another crispy jerk who is a bit of a coward. of all things, can you not just acknowledge the fact that i tried to reach out to you. he was like an apple that looks good from far away but you can tell it isn't going to taste that great. to have 2 horrible relationships in a row must not be a good sign and can't be good for the next one that comes along. i'm already having trouble committing as it is. well, what can i do? i tried with mr. music; that's all he will get from me.

besides, slow is coming home on friday, samantha wants me to meet her new man's friend (samantha's man = Pete), and i'm talking to a guy i used to have a "thing" with in high school (we'll call him aberzombie since that's where we met many years ago).

slow and i are kind of slowing down right now. maybe it is me, maybe him, maybe a combination of both, but things have definitely not been the same. it has always been hard for me to comprehend how someone can feel something one day and the next it is out the door like last season's army trend. to me, feelings should be something that fade gradually. i guess that's where my commitaphobe problem is arising from. too many people have taken advantage of my unfailing too-accepting and too-forgiving personality.

as for aberzombie, he currently has a girlfriend that he's been with for a couple years. apparently they are having major issues right now, fighting and such, and he is "getting over it." naturally. regardless of how i feel i will make it clear that i am avoiding blatant flirting as much as possible and we have only talked through texts. he was supposed to come to my birthday but worked too late. being the "other woman" is a been-there-done-that for me and that is not going to happen again. cross my heart. me and samantha dubbed ourselves the HWC when we both dipped our toes in that pond...her more than me (she kind of cannonballed into the water) though my man (and he was definitely a man...2nd oldest i've been with, 33) has been with his girl for 4 years. but all we did was kiss, once. so bad!

i don't know what it is with guys needing that fulfillment so bad. pete sounded great to me until samantha started talking to me about how he texts her and he's now starting to sound like another one of those crispies that needs multiple girls hanging on to satisfy his overly stimulated libido. unfortunately, i've learned fast that you can lead this horse to water but you can't make her drink. she's stubborn. and right now, i've never seen her more into a guy. i told her yesterday that she is starting to sound like me. dissecting every text and every punctuation mark like a detective on the heels of some masked villain (this time slippin on some sexy cat-eye eyeglasses instead of the pleather thigh-high boots). she's acting like a (gasp) girl and i'm loving every second of her desperation. muah-ha-haaa.

crisp-y [kris-pee]; n/adj- 
1. a man or woman who is obsessive, possessive, a bitch/asshole, creepy, etc.
2. acting obsessive, possessive, bitch/asshole-y, creepy, etc.
 

waiting.

i hate playing games in a relationship. i'm the kind of person who tries to be as upfront as possible and not wait to express feelings. but why is it that we have to play games in the first place? we're animals, we should do things on instinct with out having to place so much thought on it.

regardless, here i am. waiting. waiting a few days to try and talk to mr. music who hasn't attempted talking to me. seems ridiculous right? but i figure if i give him space he'll come around, maybe. unfortunately, the longer i wait the less i believe that. it probably has to do with the fact that he hasn't said a word. the thing is, i really don't care if he is still over this sudo-something, all i want is to explain without there being anger and at least remain friends. what is the hardest part is that i was going to ask him to come to my cousin's wedding. yet another thing i was waiting on.

i plan to call tomorrow, if i can manage to wait that long. that isn't looking promising, but i will try. who knows what will happen. being sick and laying in bed like i've been temporarily paralyzed makes it more difficult.