diamond nails.

so, last night got a little intense. so did yesterday.

i never wrote about this cause i just didn't want to address it, but this is a blog about my lame life and right now, well, it's at its ultimate lamest. i don't think i've ever been at such a low point. what are those sayings? "bad things happen in 3s" and "you can only go up from here?" yeah i was holding onto those till my $900 debt turned into $2000 and i owe all of it by the end of this month. i guess it did happen in 3s though so nothing else can go wrong...right? my dilemma now is coming up with that money. with a 525 credit score, it ain't easy...at all. but. i know that even if it does get worse it'll get better. i thought i hit my rock bottom 2 years ago; i would take that over this any day.

last night, big went to the emergency room. i met him up there at 11:30p and we didn't leave until 5a! i wanted to just fall asleep on the ground (as disgusting as that is). on top of the long-ass wait, we shared a room with this old man who broke his neck. it would have been fine considering they gave him 3 doses of morphine and another pain med, but he had alzheimers (which i proudly guessed 4 hours before they said it out loud) and thought it would be an excellent idea to say "ouch" and cuss out everyone that came in or out of the room. his "wife" was asked if she was his wife and her answer...

no. partner.

oooh. burn. guess that's what you get for being a douche, douche.

well, it turns out big has MONO! who the heck gets mono nowadays? and where did he get it from? i would like to believe he got it from someone's drink or food...i don't want to consider the biggest alternative. i know i should ask, but i don't know if i want to know the answer. i've NEVER had mono nor have i known anyone that has, so i know it wasn't from me.

at least tonight should be better...i hope. i'm going skating with a huge group of friends after work. i can't wait to throw on my super awesome white-with-hot-pink wheels skates with some stripey socks and my sequin shorts. yes, i'm goin' all out. and i'm making samantha do it too!

my nails are ready!

one more teeny, tiny, little thing.

why is it that when you're no longer available and happily in love that guys think its the perfect time to profess THEIR love to you? it's not so much that he's the wrong guy, he's just not the guy for me.

who confessed his love? scotch eggs. the good thing is he no longer works with me so it doesn't have to be extremely awkward there. but nonetheless, we were becoming great friends. we had an awesome night of pool last monday when shit hit the fan with big. it was a-ok. until...

well, i shouldn't be insanely surprised because i knew he liked me, but when you tell me this:

you break the mold. you are the exact girl i have been waiting my whole life for.

wellllllll, that changes things. a LOT. how can we stay friends when that knowledge is out there floating around in knowledge space? i would have highly appreciated not knowing that. i really honestly could never see myself with him in any possible way. i am a stickler about spelling (i would say grammar but i flub on where to place punctuation marks) and his spelling is, shall we say, a fuckin mess?! i would love to find him that girl and told him so, but he's stuck like glue (to his feelings at least).

i learned a lot from my HWC days (aka homewrecker crew). if the person is genuinely happy and not pursuing you once the other relationship is official, you weren't what they wanted. you were option b and the went with a. you can either respect it or not.

in my case, its easy. he wasn't really an option. no offense, scotch. 

whew!

i think i'm done editing this fucker for now. i'm pretty stoked with the changes, especially my new header and the polaroid photos. hope you all like it too!

so time to fill you in on everything!! i'll start with the "2 buck chuck" night with big (i've decided no more links for all the names, unless its someone new).

well that night he came down. my whole plan was las barcas on the beach with some wine. when i tried opening the stupid bottle (fact: i've been a server for 6 years, i can open a damn wine bottle) the cork broke in half and, when i tried to push it in so we could drink it corky, it splashed all over me. of course i was wearing a white shirt. why wouldn't i be?! so i got frustrated and we drove back to my place. we ate next to my pool then i figured i could fix the night by going to the montage (where we ended our first date; its a resort on the water).

we ended up drinking the entire bottle of "2 buck chuck" in the parking lot across the street while listening to music. by the time we'd downed the bottle we were both pretty damn tipsy. we walked over (more like stumbled) to the cliffs at the montage and watched the water and talked. at the car i had worked up the courage to hint how i felt (told him, "i more than like you"). at the beach, my brave drunken mind just wanted to say the words so i told him that i didn't want to say it unless he felt it too and his response was:

i told you i did the other night. that hasn't changed.

so i said

i love you too.

since then, we both know its true and that night was amazing. on the way home, at 2am, we did it high school style in the back of my car and it was fuckin awesome.

  flash-forward to this past week...we've been arguing quite a lot but i think that we both realize where the problem is. i keep getting scared he's going to end it so i put up my walls, while he keeps thinking things are going to turn into a fight so up go his walls too. we're slowly taking steps forward. i love him. i don't and can't imagine myself with anyone else. i know the feeling is mutual.

in other news, i FINALLY got to see my samantha. its been weeks. i think she was a little upset that i am now a permanent plus 1. but hanging out with her was just as it had always been. we drank rainbows at aloha grill and scoped guys on main street. this thursday we're going roller skating at a roller rink with a bunch of friends. while we were drinking away i told her about my qualms with how big hasn't really let go of his ex (i believe i mentioned before that she overdosed...which in my opinion is just a nice way of saying suicide considering she was found in a tub). the main thing that bothers me is that he keeps her hair on his desk. not just a little lock like i have from when i was a baby...its a huge fuckin chunk!! samantha said:

so what did she go under bald?

then we proceeded to act like we were snipping hair from a body in a casket and acting completely inconspicuous about the pretend snipping. its mean, i know, but when i lost my bestie all i kept was his number in my phone. not his hair! in a rubber band! on my desk! its a shrine too (perfume, bracelet, hair, picture...). it reminds me of helga from hey arnold!

i'm horrible, i know.`but it really bothers me. how do you even address something like that?

heyyyyy....sooooo...when are you gonna take down the shrine?

i told samantha i would make him a lily box and say:
now you have a place for everything!! yayyy!

totally kidding.

i love all things hairy.

well, hair accessories at least (i have this weird thing about body hair...it bothers me). i know most of my posts are about my relationship woes and woos, but i just had to share these awesome headbands!

my favorite is the bow which comes in tons of colors and the last one. bows are another thing i'm addicted to.

find em' at darling you boutique.

she also has an awesome blog: olive juice.

follow big.

i'm like a proud mama. he made this vid. he's kind of awesome. and cute.

l-o-v-e.

now go follow :)

still editing people.

i'm still a work in progress.

here's a little picture i made for big to keep you interested :)

story behind it? last night big and i were trying to come up with names for his manliness and these are what he thought of:
butterfly
cloud
kurt
george michael (before i explained who george michael was)

there was also:
jebediah
tobias (this and the previous resulted in me asking if he was amish and didn't know it)
panther
francisco

i don't know what was going through his mind but we were laughing so hard it hurt.

the winner?
tony stark. my favorite super hero.

i'm a work in progress.

editing my layout. any suggestions?

i'm going to eat right now so nothing should be changed for some time...though i will be changing a few more things (like my header...etc).

this is a drunk post.

i'll be lucky if i can type/spell/have my grammer correct. yes, i know have my grammar is not correct but I DON'T CARE (with love of course). i feel like my hands are other wordly. they are just floating nicely across the keys (my computer is my piano). tonight was spec-fuckin-tacular. that word does not even give justice. there has to be something more. liiiiiiike beawesome....i think that would suffice.

it was a night with big....little hint...we said those 3 wee little words that amount to so much. you all know i've been dying to say it! well maybe the "2 buck chuck" helped. hey what can i say?! wine is my best firend. (i think that is spelled wrong). i should probably go now. no more flying fingers and keys.

love, little.

for those of you that don't know.

and want to be super-fantastically-fucking awesome...

i have a:

twitter.

for my blog and all my random mess of thoughts. big is teaching me how to use this.

and a:

tumblr. 

(this one has little to do with my blog so its a nice breath of fresh air!)

follow friends! and i'll follow you!

p.s. if you know of any sweet tumblr's let me know.

oh, hello. {photo infused}

its been an amazing 180 (as in degrees) with my big. ah-may-zeeng.

it'll all starts with a little day called monday: big had class till 4 and said that he would come down later that night. i  was a bit bummed that he didn't come down sooner, but still incredibly happy to see him. once he got here i grabbed my groupon and told him we were going somewhere super fun! we drove downtown and arrived at the scoop on cookies and got our yummy custom ice cream sandwiches, plus old fashioned rootbeer and dr. pepper, as well as some gummy deliciousness for big. cookies and ice cream were good but the cookies definitely could have been softer because i made a huge mess. but hey! for $5 it was worth it.

i got chocolate brownie chunk cookies with chocolate chip ice cream (and a rootbeer). he got snickerdoodles with cookies and cream ice cream (and a dr. pepper).

his caption for this was: my girlfriend is good. with rootbeer.

so after our sweet dessert we went for a walk downtown which led us to the sand. i can definitely say that it was the most amazing night/moment of my life. and i don't say things like that unless i truly mean it. before i'd told big i literally went through the previous nights and moments to see if there had been something better; there wasn't. we raced down to the sand, played in the water (yes it was night, but the water was surprisingly warm), ate our gummy bears and drew fun stuff in the sand. in between all that there was a moment where the world may have stopped time just for us (corny, but it's seriously how it felt). we just stood there hugging each other and looking at each other and smiling. i can now say that was the moment i knew i loved him (real love, not the crap i thought was love with my ex) and i knew that he loved me.

writing his name in the sand. with wet pants due to splashing him.

his attempt at a mad face...before there was reason to be mad.

well, after our photofest big realized he didn't have his keys. we looked everywhere and they were gone (probably lost on our epic run to the water). luckily i drove us there. unluckily, he had class the next morning at 9, i was supposed to work at 730a and his car would now be stuck 65miles from home. i called one of the girls i work with and got my shift covered so i could: drive him home that night, get him to school in the morning, drive back to hb, get him a key from mazda, go home and shower, then drive back up to la in his car to pick him up from school and get his car/key to him. yes, i am an awesome girlfriend. i walked around downtown burbank while i waited. i perused. while perusing i bought him a new semi-keychain...it was the best i could find but they were perfecto.

he has the panda (his favorite animal); i have the penguin (its in my top 5).

we went to get some dinner at islands (so not classy, but so insanely good) and then saw super 8...at 8. such an awesome movie. i love jj abrams and spielberg. somehow during that time i convinced him to ditch school the next day so we could do something totally awesome.

we went to the santa monica pier. we barely walked on the pier because it was quite cold but we did walk through the new mall and 3rd street. unfortunately, i don't have many pictures for that because we got into a minor argument about me seeing that he had gone on pof again. i saw by accident (needed to use his phone to look at my schedule and that was the first page on his internet). he said he got a message and just wanted to see what it said. i don't understand how that would make sense but what i've learned is he's not the kind of person to fully think things through. i forgive and forget easily and this one was fairly easy because he promised it was not done in a "bad way." we had an amazing rest of the day.

when we got back to my house at 9p i apologized for how the first half of the day went. i felt horrible about it cause all i wanted was for it to be perfect. i wanted to make him happy. he said that he was. and also:

i will always love you, no matter what happens.

uhhhhhhhhh...say whaaaat?! he totally caught me off guard in the best way. i giggled and joked with him. when i got inside i kicked myself for not saying anything back and went through all the things i coulda/shoulda said. so i texted him later last night (basically this morning) though i knew he was already asleep:

just wanted you to know that i'll always love you no matter what too. you couldn't do anything to make me want to leave.

perfection.

well, close at least.

now that i've vented and relaxed in regards to dealing with the evil douchebag at work i can write about the things i'm happy about. for instance, lloyd and i's little late night date night on saturday night. and ya know, i just thought i'd clarify that i'm tired of calling lloyd...lloyd. i think i'm going to call him big now. its more personal instead of his lame plenty of fish distinguishing name.

so big came down at 930 that night (due to me really wanting to talk). at that point i was already on my 4th or 5th beer, which i eagerly chugged right when he got to my house. i felt more relax and more optimistic about whatever way this was going to go. he asked where we were going and i told him the beach. he was in a very iffy mood. i couldn't quite read what was going to happen, but my stella helped me not care. we got to 9th street, where geoff rowley skated the stair in a recent commercial (i thought he would like going there). we went and sat on the steps overlooking the water and started to talk. i poured my heart out more than i have in ye....well ever. i practically told him i love him (which i think is something i'm sure of, explain in a sec) and he said he feels the same. he apologized for everything and said it was all about bad timing. i completely agree. he is in his last stretch of college (graduating in august) and it isn't easy. my response to this was:

you're always going to have stress in your life. it happens. all that matters is making it through the crappy stuff and being together on the other side.

after i said that, the mood changed dramatically. he was much happier and much more relaxed and we were...much more better? yes, i know that is grammatically incorrect but that's ok.

we went for a walk on the boardwalk and sat down on another set of stairs and everything was better than it has been. it still is pretty damn peachy.

big is coming down tonight and i figured we could go to this cool place called the scoop on cookies. you make your own ice cream sandwiches. figured it would be a cute little date idea. we shall see

p.s. what do ya think of my new badge (on the side)? i like.

fuck turkey burgers.

so i work at a brand new restaurant (with chef). i love everyone there except for one lovely person. hmmmm what shall we call him? oh i know e.v.i.l. (exceptionally vile. incredibly lame), it works. well i did think he was great the first day; seemed like a hard worker, nice, funny in a way....that has changed.

he's a major freakin douchebag! when i found out from my friend at work (we've known each other for 11 years and i was his first girlfriend...awww) that evil was taking my neighbor's shift i begged and pleaded with the other night shift to trade but unfortunately that didn't happen. so, i woke up, ready to be pissed, probably not the best idea. i was already running late because i was tired and already stressed.

so i got there, started getting ready for an intense day, 2 of my favorite managers were there so that was fantastic. as i was calling out what i needed to the cooks (i'm an expo; i make sure the food gets out on time) evil started telling me what to do. now yeah, he might be older but that doesn't make him my boss or give him any right to tell me i'm wrong...when i'm not. so we started arguing and i told him that he can ask me to do something but there is no way that he is allowed to boss me around. i told him we're on the same level. his response was:

well its funny, but they kind of made me the head expo apparently. so i'm like the head.

i told him that none of us were made anything, that we don't even have a head expo and to calm down (because at this point he was yelling and had an audience). i let him know that if it continued i would talk to hugh (my favorite manager who considers me his favorite, who is also the manager of all the expos in all the restaurants). he then said:

well maybe you should stop your fuckin' attitude.

all the servers behind us did a unanimous gasp. i'd had it. i looked at him, said "k." and walked over to hugh telling him i could no longer work with him. the douche comes over and tells hugh that he never said the "well maybe" part and especially the "fuckin." i think my face looked insanely shocked because hugh told him to relax and that it was not ok to talk to anyone that way. he got written up. YAY! no one likes him. we all want him out of there. hopefully that will happen very soon.

i asked chef if evil had said anything else but apparently not and chef said he was on my side. exact words:

pats a snake, and you're cute so of course i'm on your side.

best thing i'd heard all day.

rip again.

rip nate. 2nd in a week. bullshit.

the grass is always greener.

so fucking frustrated. this is not a good relationship anymore. for the 4th time lloyd has "forgotten" that we made plans. its become a really stupid habit that i can't stand. sure he's sweet (not right now), funny, cute, talented and other things that i don't really care about right meow because i'm pissed, but after all this crap that is happening i am not seeing much of a reason for sticking around. thus, i'm giving him his one last redemption tonight. i'm gonna talk to him about all this, see if he even thinks he can/wants to change then i'm making the god damn decision. in order to help me not give a fuck i'm drinking a nice cold coors...then probably another...and another until he gets here. yeah i'm probably an alcoholic but hey! i'm in college. i have an excuse...right?

so, wish me luck. he tends to overreact (not in an angry way but in a "i-don't-want-to-hurt-her-like-slow-so-i-will-end-it-for-her-own-good way). yay. pause......sorry just downed my first coors. ahhhhhhh feelin fine.

in regards to the greener grass, well at least i have someone to somewhat fall back on. chef. fml (yes, i'm using stupid shorthand because 1 second to type those words is just too damn long). i feel like he'll make a good bffl though, even though i think he would shoot me for saying that. but i will admit that he is sweet, funny, an awesome cook (major plus), and he makes up awesome nicknames for me (i'm a sucker for smart humor). he made up this joke that i would turn into a pumpkin at 10 because i said i couldn't go bowling due to babysitting duties. i told him that my lovely boyfriend has my glass slipper because i said i lost it and he said:

that's funny cause i found one of those!

well i texted him today:

yeeeeahhhhhh. i think cinderella is about to break her glass slipper.

me again

mmmmmmmmm ice cold coors. jealous? i need my strength. its like power...in a can.

chef

yes i am! fuck turkey burgers! and break the slipper?

me

hahaha. why fuck turkey burgers? i'l gladly bring ya one on your break lol. and yeah i told you i gave the bf my glass slipper. i might break it...in his face.

chef

i like that! i got one that will fit better ;)

me

like what? beer or slipper. and haha. that sounded wrong.

chef

you breakin the slipper.

me

haha. ohhh. well i seem to have outlandish expectations like oh, i don't know, don't "forget" our plans 4x in a row, don't talk shit on me and make me feel like an std infested prostitute on twitter, don't talk shit on me and general. and other craaaaaaaazy ideas.

you think he maybe lost his glass slipper? haha. i wouldn't blame him. i'm 100% girl. drama-filled and constantly complaining about boys. duh!

so now i will leave you here. enjoy your fabulous day/night wherever you may be. i hope your day/night is not as dramafied as mine, but then again, isn't that what makes life interesting?

from me to him.

so i started doing this little thing with lloyd, well he kinda started it first (he writes me a goodnight message every night we aren't together), where i send him a cute little facebook video hoping i brighten his day. don't worry i'm not that annoying girlfriend that post every detail, video and comments on everything on his wall, i send them in messages. i thought it would be cute to put them here too. sooo new little segment called facebook friday! ha. they're from oldest to newest (which i sent today). enjoy.

first vid. from Little P on Vimeo.

vid 2. from Little P on Vimeo.

vid 3. from Little P on Vimeo.

vid 4. from Little P on Vimeo.

little hi. little low.

sooo 20sb is having a vlog day today where we introduce ourselves. i wanted to join in the fun! if you did an intro post your link :)

little intro. from Little P on Vimeo.

This video post is part of 20SB’s Vlog Day and the topic is “Introduce Yourself”…anyone can participate! Details are here.

boundaries, rules, stipulations.

in my opinion, when you start something serious with someone new boundaries are created between you and the other homo sapiens of the other gender that you have been talking to. i expect those boundaries to go both ways. it's kind of like the golden rule: do unto others as you would like them to do unto you. this seems to be one of my biggest problems with guys. they don't seem to understand the idea.

but let's face it, most men don't understand the emotions and thoughts burning through women 24/7. what matters is when they simply respect it. i don't know if lloyd understands that concept. i'm trying to help him, lighting his way, but to him, and i quote:

The barriers come up ya, but i mean there is a limit to those i think

you still need to live your life

you cant revolve around just that one thing going on. you still need to enjoy yourself and have fun.

but hey. i know you think i am prolly crazy! ha.

my response:

what do you mean limit
because i am happy with you. you're the only guy i need to/want to talk to all day. in my opinion there shouldn't be gaps to fill...

apparently the limit meant that you shouldn't shun people out of your life. i get that. no problems there. i just have a problem with flirtatious talking. and for me, i had many guy friends that i did that with (actor friend, aberzombie, slow). none of which i talk to now the way i did before the term "boyfriend" popped into my romantically challenged dating life.

as a girl, who knows how to flirt strategically, i know i'm not the only one who keeps the flirting going even when someone has a girlfriend. we all (or most all) do it. it makes it even more fun. so when i saw that "my love" text i knew what was happening. duh! good lord. but apparently guys don't get that. especially this one. so now i'm at a crossroad. i want someone who can respect how i feel, tone down the girl texts, and not need to fill gaps. i should be the one who can fill em.

the quote that facebook ruins relationships is too narrow. technology ruins relationships.

sometimes...my mom rocks!

i was sporty spice.

he likes to instagram.

i'm not cool enough to have an iphone (tmobile you can suck it!) but he has one so i figured i'd do a post with some sweet wedding photos.

i do.


a little bubbly.


candy heart.


we share.


candy smile.


shoes.


grandpa gets down.


day after lunch.

second: this is gonna take some getting used to.

the wedding was great! it was so good to see my cousin and meet his wife for the first time. i cried, and i am NOT a public crier, but my cuz and i used to be the best of friends till he joined the airforce after high school, so it was hard not to. besides...i'm supposed to get married first! hmpf. kidding.

so lloyd came over early on saturday because i forgot allllll my makeup at his house the morning before (typical me). i told him i would drive because when i walked downstairs all dressed up he was asleep on my couch (too damn cute). we drove up there and i embarrassed him by singing spice girls and nsync (maybe he was faking the embarrassment and really just desperately wanted to sing along...i'll believe that instead). when we got there he met my entire family. a bit intense for only a month of dating, but he handled it well. the wedding was fantastic! my cousin cried too much to get through the vows he'd written, which made me cry and hope that i can have a husband that loves me that much someday.

at the reception, lloyd seemed a little down (claimed he wasn't, just nervous around big groups of people...totally fine). nothing a little sitting on his lap couldn't fix, or some forced dancing. we had a blast. and he looked adorable. i kinda got thrown for a loop right in front of him when my new cousin-in-law's dad asked if lloyd was my boyfriend and i said "yeaaahh, kinda?" what can i say?! it's been awhile. i felt so bad, but i got confused. ha. that night we got in a small argument over the fact that we made plans to hang out the next day but he said he couldn't because he forgot we said that and made other plans. one of my rules in life is that i never back out of anything. if i said that, then i said that and second plans are gone. i went up to la with him and after some more talking he said he got where i was coming from. we had our own way of consummating the wedding night (the unmentionable for another good hour or more and great sex).

when i woke up, i was in a slump. i thought my girl thing was over but, dun-dun-duhhhh, it came back. plus, this whole nonsense with actor friend is really getting to me. he's, above everything else, my best friend. having him mad at me is one of the most difficult things. i texted him on the way up to la:

me

hey boy. still hate me?

actor friend

hey, what's up?

me

just driving home from a wedding. you?

actor friend

ahhh, cool. just hanging at home.

me

are you still mad?

actor friend

wouldn't you be?

me

no, because i would rather be your friend than nothing at all. and you 

never said you wanted anything out of it so it was difficult.

actor friend...said nothing.

so, it was hard. and especially hard to make the day great, which was what i wanted to do so lloyd didn't regret turning down his 2nd option. i don't think i succeeded although he said he had a good day.

i guess the only thing that matters is that we're still together. he understood that i was bummed and that matters a ton! a definite change. i have more reason to be bummed all over again considering lloyd and i are now fbo (facebook official - it ain't real till its on facebook) and actor saw before he got my text. not good. i'm not sure where we'll stand now. only time will tell. but it really fuckin sucks. he's one out of 3 people that i can truly be me around. after 8 years though, it can't be the end of it.

in other news, there is a guy at my work that likes me (we'll call him chef). he's been very persistent about asking me on a date or to hang out and i've constantly turned him down because a) he's a coworker and b) i've been dating lloyd this entire time. i told him today that we can hang out AS FRIENDS and he said that was totally fine. i don't know if i'm comfortable with that though. i wouldn't be ok with lloyd doing that so in my opinion its only right if i don't as well. right? i swear i need a book entitled "how to be a girlfriend. step by step." but i'm determined to be the best right now! de-ter-mined.

totally un-drunk picture and i still look insanely happy. yes!
yes he has a receding hairline, but i love it :)

also, i just want to say...rip derek. you were way too fun to die so young. you will most definitely be missed. <3

first.

ummmm yeah, i'm a twi-hard. big time.

team jacob all the way!

ohhhhh me.

well, this romantically challenged blogger now has a boyfriend. yes, yes i do. its weird...that's the best word i can think of. and maybe interesting. i'm treating this thing like a very hazardous experiment in chemistry. so how did this event come about?

well join me on a trip down "it all started when..." lane.

last night i drove out to visit lloyd. we weren't sure what we were going to do (the hangover, tv night, ice cream...) but decided on snuggling (awww/bleh) and watching tv. our night veered off course a bit. we went and got our ice cream (me- the one and only hagen daaz butter pecan, him- ben and jerry's milk and cookies). i played him the song that i "gave" to him (will post at the end along with explanation) as well as a bunch of other ones that i love (will also post) when we got back to his house. we talked and ate our ice cream while modern family stayed on the menu screen. somehow our conversation turned reminiscent. we started talking about our favorite nickelodeon shows then looked up the theme songs (gullah gullah island!). and in lieu of modern family we watched an episode of goosebumps (welcome to camp nightmare). we ended up staying up till 2 just talking. it was awesome, to say the least.
one of the last things i asked (i had to do it) was what he thought about us now, after all the dumb arguments and mess ups. he said that he considers me his girlfriend "because that is basically what we are." i was hoping his answer would be this or the exact opposite and i planned judge the relationship based on how my body chose to respond. well i felt like a 16 year old girl again. super giddy and wanting to go tell all my friends in the hall at lunch.
i joked and said "is that your way of asking?" he looked at me and said "no! i'm going to take your hand..." and of course me and my love for making moment-ruining jokes said, "in marriage?" totally making fun of his way of asking. what is great though is that we can joke like that, which is the exact kind of guy i need. if i can't make fun of you, peace out ben stein. so anyway, he asked if i would be his girlfriend and i said yes. so here we are. things have been going well for the past 2 days. the wedding is tomorrow (or technically today because its 1230a here) and he will be meeting my entire family...eek.
due to the fact that i'm on my "girl thing" we didn't have great-amazing sex but i did make sure he was verrrry happy this morning for almost an hour. hey, what can i say? i'm a girl that actually enjoys doing "the unmentionable."

don't worry, i know i'm dumb. that's ok though. at least i'm very aware of the fact that its only been 3 and a half weeks and we fought for 4 days straight but i'm still his girlfriend now...? i guess it works...for now.

now the question is...how do i break it to actor friend that i no longer am dating lloyd but he's my boyfriend? he's gonna hate me then kill me. hating me would be just as bad. definitely will have to tell him before i go and make this fbo (facebook official).

why is this song "given?" well, i've never let anyone "have" it because it's my favorite song and i wanted to save it for someone that truly meant a lot to me. kinda like giving my silly little heart away.

other songs i played:

such a pretty song. i love the great lake swimmers. i could listen to this song on repeat forever.


love this song....and her pants.

last but not least:

if you know this, you rock.

there's a ghost.

well, the main reason i started writing this blog about my ventures through the wonderful and messiness of my life was because i had met a guy who i thought was absolutely magnificent. we spent 5 consecutive days together talking about the things we loved and hated, wanted and dreamed of, and of course we threw in lots of insane hooking up.

he'd told me he didn't want to have sex until he asked me to be his girlfriend. supposedly this monumental event was supposed to be "soon." well one lovely day he called me to tell me that he didn't want to be in a relationship and he was trying to feel better about being in one but he wasn't a "relationship person." i was devastated. and i did a vid diary and one on my computer but it was taking up too much space. we started trying to work things out then out of nowhere on a day where there was nothing wrong and that week he'd been telling me this was exactly what he was looking for, he "poofed" (harry potter reference, yes).

this guy literally fell off the face of the earth, or i popped him with my thoughts. he doesn't have a facebook, the voicemail he'd had on his phone was gone, and when i went to drop off his sweatshirt that he left he wasn't there nor was his truck (on more than one occasion). i wrote him off and vowed to never call or drive over again. its been almost 2 months now and last night i got a text saying:

you win.

i win what?! i texted and asked who it was but no response. i recognized the number and at first thought it was mr. music. when i checked this morning i ruled him out and new right then that i only recognized for 1 reason....TIM (real name used because i highly doubt i'll ever see him again). why? and what do i win? i want my prize.

right now is not the time to add more confusion to my ever so confusing jumble of a life. actor friend just told me that what he wanted from our steamy hook up date was to actually date me for the first time in 8 years. had i known i might've waited to start ANYTHING with lloyd. its what i've wanted for 8 YEARS! so adding tim to that confusing mix does not help my confusion. but i do know what i want. i want lloyd. i don't think a relationship with actor friend would last or be worth risking our 8 years of friendship. and lloyd is great.

my head might explode so if i don't post again that would be why (i joke, i joke). i'll be driving out to LA tonight for lloyd so hopefully that can ease my mind?

lloyd and i.

a;ldkfjoaiuehre;jldf.

"but tell me, how do you really feel?"

isn't that "time of the month" (i like to call it my girl thing) so fun? i guess the one plus is that when it starts you finally see that you had a reason for all that moodiness. i'm pretty sure i shouldn't be having a "girl thing" though considering i'm on a certain BC that is supposed to get rid of those.

anyway, i'm feeling particularly moody this time. things that have been fueling my emotions:

1. last thursday lloyd gets a text that i wish i had never completely accidentally read.

ramey/romney/rooney/whatever the hell her stupid name is

goodnight my love. it was so good talkin to you all day today. hope to talk to you soon <3

apparently she's "just a friend" with a "boyfriend of 4 years." maybe the "just a friend" part is true for him but i am having hard time believing that she feels the same or has a boyfriend. yeah...now we're in this slump because a) he keeps screwing up now and b) i'm moody so i can't get over everything in a timely fashion.

2. after that text he got mad at me for being upset and the next day was still being lame, i guess that's the best word for it.

3. the next day (saturday) i felt uncomfortable getting out of the car to go eat in del taco in la crescenta/tujunga, which compared to where i live might as well be the most ghetto part of comptom. i have nothing against any of those areas but when you've grown up in your cute little beach town and have never ventured to places like that in your life it's a little hard to be just thrown into it. well he got very mad. i was crying (i now know why). but we moved on, he understood that he overreacted and the rest of the day was peaches.

4. he hung up on me sunday and ignored my calls.

5. ohhh monday. great awesome monday....NOT. i looked at his twitter and he had posted that he was able to "hit it" in 2 dates, that i was a mistake. allllll over the tweeting world. now that, i know i had a reason to cry, a right to be mad and a reason to voice it. i'm still disgusted and feel disgusting. oh and also this:

figured i'd cut off his face and name out of respect even though i didn't get the same. here's why this bothers me: yes  i grew up in the "OC" (people really call it that still?) but here's a full synopsis of a real "OC chick"

most smoke weed, drive a jetta/honda/or a sweet jeep, listen to indie music, party, don't hang out in the typical "OC" places (aka downtown huntington, newport, the beach in general), doesn't live in a mansion with and infinity pool, don't have all the money they want, pay for their own stuff, and try their best to avoid drama.

a "the real OC: laguna beach/newport harbor chick":

drinks like a camel, drives a bmw/mercedes/escalade/gets driven around by her daddy/friend/boyfriend in their bmw/mercedes/escalade, thinks that the top 40 on kissFM is like awesome!, parties, hangs out at the mall, newport, downtown huntington, the beach, lives in a mansion overlooking the ocean, has a daddy who buys here all her heart desires, and finds drama whenever she can.

mtv ruined people's perceptions.

5. anytime i bring something up that is bothering me (just so i don't explode later) he throws a hissy fit.

and you ask: why are you still in it? because the wedding is in 2 days and i DO NOT want to show up without my "and guest." yes i could bring samantha, but after my parents think lloyd and i are great i don't want to have to explain that right before my cousin's big day.

so yes, at the moment i feel very a;ldkfjoaiuehre;jldf.

p.s. i have a bit to write about actor friend but for now i'm leaving it at this. enjoy the song defining my life right now. grrr. emo. emo. emo. grrr. (kidding)