bad things.

shit has gone horribly wrong. i'm still fighting for this relationship to work, but i don't think i can anymore. last night was one of the worst i've had in a year (aka since i got rid of the abusive prick). there's a point where i will say "no more," but stupid me. i apparently haven't hit that yet.

i went to confuser's official birthday last night and it was a blast, till i fell apart and had to leave. i didn't want to be a blubbering mess there. i contemplated just driving to big's and trying to get him to stop, but i knew that wasn't a good idea considering the amount of alcohol i consumed. so i texted mr. long.

who is mr. long? he is the justin to my ginnifer goodwin (he's just not that into you). i've known him since 11th grade. i used to have a major crush on him, but at the time he was kinda the ass of our class (i rhymed). so we simply remained friends. we go through phases where we lose touch then talk a lot again. he had a girlfriend and we were in one of those close phases. we job hunted together and he gave me dating advice. then all of a sudden we stopped talking and i was no longer his friend on fb. a week ago he messaged me explaining what happened. i forgave him, of course. i love mr. long to death. so we've been talking. his girlfriend, in his words, just "left him" so he's super bummed and knows what i'm going through which leads to...

i needed to stay somewhere because i had told my mom i was staying at samantha's. if i had come home she would have known something was wrong and i didn't want to deal with that. i needed a friend. so i called wyatt and asked if i could come over. he didn't want me driving because i was a mess and a drunk (ha). so i got there and we watched tv. then i started to fall asleep. we went upstairs and laid down. don't worry, absolutely NOTHING happened. i showed him samantha (i want to set them up) and told him about her. he thought she was cute. we eventually fell asleep. wheels started turning in my head.

being with him, even as friends, was nice. he cared. that's how big should be. he isn't. i felt like a lost puppy who just needed to be loved and cared about. i know its bad. i guess it wasn't exactly fair. i'm getting pissed at big for just talking, BUT i didn't cheat. nor have i not been honest.

funny thing, when i got to long's we matched. graphic tees, red flannel shirt, black jeans. it was weird.

i don't know where my relationship is going. knowing that i have people here for me helps more than i think i realize.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

well! aren't you sweet.

almost 100 followers.
thanks to all of you that have stuck around.
i think 100 will definitely be a little milestone for me.

a little update...i have photos i need to load for our successful taco tuesday. samantha, miranda and i met a group of friends at taco surf where we chowed down and dranky drank. i told samantha how i want to set her up with one of my guy friends. he's adorable. only problem: he's emo central because of his ex and i will not let samantha be a rebound. hell to the nizzz-o. so, i'm patiently waiting. i think, when it comes to samantha, she needs to be set up in order to have a good relationship. when someone already can see them together, its easier for her to see it too. otherwise she's our little one-date stand girl. but i couldn't be more proud.

i have a post that i wrote about me and big's great 2 days last week. it's been hard to decide whether or not to post it. i just want to forget everything that has happened that has not been so peachy. i want to start over with him. i believe in some way, he wants to as well. buuuuut then again.

last night i went out with samantha, my guy friend who i'll call "all day," my friend "confuser," and a few other people. it was confuser's birthday. one of the other girls there is a psych major, like yours truly, and we started talking about my newest "big" issue. he went to his (bluntly put) dead ex-girlfriend's birthday party. that's not just a random thing; he hangs out with her mom at her house all the time. he eats dinner there, watches tv with her. it's been over a fuckin year. he's hung out with my parents twice, in a huge group setting. if you've been reading since the beginning, i'm sure you saw the hair post. update on that: the hair is gone. but this is now out of control. i told him i would call him later (last night) and explained:

i am your girlfriend now. you spend time with MY family. clinging is not normal. its weird. i lost my best friend of 10 years and I'M not hanging out at his house, celebrating his birthday with his family, hanging out with HIS friends (who were my friends too considering we were best friends). it needs to stop now.

i said a lot more of course but that was the gist. i don't think he gets it. he can be pissed at me, but like i told him i would hope someone would slap some sense into me if i was acting this weird and obsessive.

when i told my psych friend her eyes almost popped out of her head and her first response was:

you broke up with him, right?!

me? do what i should? that's just crazy talk. i'm too romantically challenged for that. though, we both agreed that this is psychotic and obsessive behavior. she is gone, move on.
some may think i'm being a bitch. that's fine. i lost my best friend 4 years ago. i got to have 10 awesome years with him but i didn't sit there with his hair on my desk and hanging out with his mom like he's about to walk through the door. i certainly wouldn't be doing that if i lost an ex and had a current boyfriend. its. fucking. weird.

sooo...what's your take on this situation? psychoanalyze away at his behavior.

ten on tuesday.

1. What colour are your toenails painted?

ughhhhh. they're not. i keep meaning to, but there is always something else that pops up.

2. What colour are your fingernails painted?

now these are painted about 80% of the time and right now happens to be in the 20%. they were that super awesome diamond glitter one from urban outfitters.

3. What is your favourite brand of nail polish?

opi. i love the names they have. my favorite was my christmas color for last year, "it looks like rain, dear."

4. As the norm, do you DIY your nails or get mani/pedis?

i think the last time i got my nails did was in like 9th grade. i think i do a good job, i would rather buy 2 new nail polishes than spend money having someone do it.

5. Have you ever had a gel mani? Do you recommend it?

i've seen it on some of my friends/co-workers. i know the mommies in my life love it because kids can ruin a fresh paint job.

6. What is the last movie you watched on television? (TV, Netflix, Redbox, etc.)

napoleon dynamite. haha. and it was the first time since 9th grade. i have a new appreciation for that movie.

7. What is the last movie you watched in the cinema?

harry fuckin potter bitches!!

8. Is there a movie that everyone talks about as if it is a classic but you haven’t seen?

one i hadn't seen till recently was one flew over the cuckoos nest. one i haven't seen is platoon.

9. What is your favourite movie soundtrack?

laugh all you want but i have the entire soundtrack to josie and the pussycats and i know all the words.

10. Have you ever seen a movie and thought it was better than the book it was based on?

a walk to remember. i never got passed the first 4 pages.

there's a person.

that i love. who is gone from me now. but he will always have a bigger place in my heart than anyone. he was my best friend in the entire sea. miss my fish. especially at times like this.

i tumbled the first one but it was hard to choose. i needed to post something. he meant the world to me. and i go through phases of missing him. the hardest thing was realizing i forgot what he sounded like. you just wish you can pick up a phone and hear it, but you know you can't. the quote is from our favorite book (the perks of being a wallflower). the first photo was taken, by me, when i was probably 15. probably one of my favorite photos of all time (insert i love you, man joke here). i'm thinking i may get "we were infinite" tattooed somewhere. i have to.

fishea.

the hairier the better.

i think we all should know this one little fact about...little. i. love. hair. accessories. i do. its an addiction (hi, i'm little and i'm addicted to all things hair). my favorite place to scour is etsy. i love getting something that someone truly put time and love into. so, i found this sweet shop:



find these little lovelies here.

if i had any amount of money i would so get the top "leaf" one or the mini bow. obsessed. these are now on my wishlist.


p.s. kind of majorly obsessed with that long brown hair in the 2nd photo. oh how i wish my locks were that luscious.

secret sunday.

7 little secrets about little:
1. i can go through a flat of strawberries in one sitting.
2. i don't own a vibrator, but like the postcard and charlotte from sex and the city, i'm scared i'll be too stoked.
3. i kept the stuffed animal my ex gave me when i got back from a work trip so i could be reminded of how he used that time to let his ex sleep with him in my bed.
4. shopping used to be a serious addiction.
5. when i come home wasted i watch new moon.
6. my little toe on both feet is deformed.
7. i still have me and fish's notebook from 10th grade.

i connect way too much with that last postcard.

so...what happened?

wednesday night i talked to one of my girlfriends who i hadn't spoken to in a long time (we'll call her sara since that's the name she used). we talked about her relationship and mine. we talked about how her boyfriend has lied and how my gut has been telling me that i shouldn't trust big. she told me that there's a reason it stresses me out. there's a reason why i feel like the things he says are lies. i explained that i didn't want to feel like this and i want to pretend that i do trust him because it would be easier in the long run. i felt as though if i were to pretend for long enough, i would suddenly not have to fake it.

thursday: i had a second interview (which i nailed) then got a text from her saying i needed to call her when i was home and by my computer. all the while, talking to big on the phone and through texts like everything was peachy. i got home, changed, went on facebook, then called.

big is into twitter like its one of his only means of communication. she had made a fake profile (sara) and posted on his wall (or whatever the twitter equivalent is) that she thought he was cute. he messaged her back. i don't want to go into detail. i want to forget. so all i will say is he basically fucked me over in the biggest way.

i flipped. i called. yelled at him. said mean things (i apologized for them, i'm really not a mean person). but then he decided to treat me like crap for 2 days straight. it just wouldn't stop. i know he doesn't see what he did, but i want to try still (if you asked why, i couldn't tell you). i want to forget this ever happened.

my only request was that he stopped talking to all these stupid girls that post all over his shit in a way that is disrespectful to me. i don't know if i can trust for that to happen since it seems just far too easy for him to be untrustworthy. the fact is, i've learned from years of dating and seeing it happen, once a cheater, always a cheater. once a liar, always a liar. i don't think he's a revolutionary man who is going to defy that opinion. especially when he acts as though he simply stepped on my toe and i'm overreacting about it.

how do you move on from something like this?

one thing.

doesn't it just feel great to be cheated on? then be treated like crap after?

gettin' creative.

for tumblr's sake!

to everyone that commented on that heavy post:

thanks for all the support guys. its been a year since i kicked him out. greatest day of my life. i just never gave myself the opportunity to feel the pain of what he'd done all those years and heal. i just wanted to cut him out and be done with it. well, i'm learning that lesson now too.

thanks for all the love!

i hate you. {caution}

no, not you, him.

i hate that you hurt me. 

i hate that i tried so hard for 2 and a half years because you had me tied around your disgusting finger. 

i hate that i allowed it. 

i hate that i believed you every time you said you would never do it again, even when you would say that then do it 5 minutes later and make the same promise. 

i hate that i thought i loved you. 

i hate that you made me gain more weight than i have ever gained, then made me lose weight faster than i ever had. 

i hate that you called me names that will stay in my mind forever. 

i hate that i was stupid enough to move in with you. 

i hate that i didn't listen to my friends. 

i hate that you called me fat and then anorexic. 

i hate that i fell for your tricks. 

i hate that you made me feel disgusting and hate sex because you forced it. 

i hate that you made me think the problem was within me. 

i hate that you threatened me by using my "fish". 

i hate that even that wasn't enough for me to leave. 

i hate that it still hurts. 

i hate that, even though you're no where near me, things you've done and said can still send me to my hell. 

i hate that i believed you could change. 

i hate that you threw me around like a rag doll. 

i hate that you mocked me when i cried. 

i hate that my final straw was when you told me, at my friends candle light vigil, that it should have been me that was murdered. 

i hate that i let it get to that point. 

i hate that my pain shows through in my relationship now. 

i hate that i'm so scared of it happening again that i push everyone out before they can hurt me. 

i hate you. i don't forgive you, but i forgive myself. i've tried to be strong for too long and now i can't. i need to cry. i need to be mad. i need to let out the pain you've caused me so i can move on. you are a dent in my car. that's it. 

i am not scarred. 

i am not flawed. 

i can move on. 

i can be that person who was strong. who didn't feel so hurt. you can't hurt me anymore. you will not infringe on my life. these tears will be the last i will cry for what you did. this is the last time i will feel sorry for myself. i am not little, the one who was abused. i am little, the one who survived.

he cracks me up.

 
big tumbles.

hmmm. {question}

so, big is a big part of my life. and so is this blog. i put a lot of time and energy into it and i'm wondering, would it be a good or bad idea to let him read it? i mention our "ness" a lot but in a good way.

what do you guys think? to read or not to read?

note the unintentional order of the "labels" (big love question). oh the irony.

harry potter! harry potter!

yes, i'm one of those people. midnight showing, harry potter lovin' people. and proud of it. so this post is going to be a bit harry infused.
first, i really want to make some sweet cupcakes for the wait in line. figured that would make big a little happier about me dragging him there. so, i googled. and had little success. i'm a great baker/cook but these are way beyond my level of expertise and time. still, have to share their awesomeness.




big and i got these at downtown disney the other night. clearly mine is harry james potter.

the cupcakes i decided on are these butterbeer cupcakes from amy bites. they look easy enough...and sound scrumptious.

{photo by her, not me}
we'll see how they turn out.

yes! yes! yes!

please excuse my small orgasm over these.






i want. i need. i am going to get before summer is over.
find them here.

ten on tuesday.

i saw this little thingy on that super awesome blog, thought i would give it a go.

1. When you are on a plane and the kid behind you is kicking your seat, what do you do?
i glare at the parents until they make the kid stop. then complain juuuuust loud enough for them to hear.
2. What food that you KNOW is bad for you and you shouldn’t have, but you love/eat it anyway?
cookies, cupcakes, ice cream...my weaknesses.
3. What is your favorite book of all time?
well, peter pan, of course. but also, the perks of being a wallflower. they're actually making a movie out of it. i cannot wait!
4. If I came to visit you in your town, where would we eat?
absolutely, without a doubt, sushi on fire and las barcas.
5. You have 500 dollars and 40 minutes to spend it at any store you want. Where do you go?
att. to buy an iphone with a plan, cancel the plan and unlock the phone. duh!
6. What blog do you read every day/the most often?
there are 2 favorites: sex and the shitty and books of adam. sex and the shitty has the greatest woes of romance stories and the books of adam is just complete fucking awesomeness.
7. What’s the longest you’ve ever been stuck at an airport?
not long at all. last time i went to the airport was years ago. waiting doesn't stick out to me.
8. What’s your daily makeup/face/cleansing routine?
i shower every morning so my face is nice and clean, then i do the ultimate girl moment of my day. the whole sha-bang; lotion, primer, foundation, concealer, bronzer, blush, eye primer, eyebrows, eyeshadow, liner, mascara, setting spray.
yeah, i get down.
9. Where is your farthest away friend?
well it was miranda till 2 months ago (now she is home from her adventures in england). now its my friend, balloon man, in hawaii.
10. Where is your favorite place to go hiking (or to enjoy nature)?
i love top of the world in laguna. plus, all the tide pools to explore in newport.


hope ya'll enjoyed. if you do/did one post it here. i'd love to read!

cooooool!

found this site via 20sb:

typealyzer

it tells you your blog's "personality"

me:
ISFJ THE NURTURER: The quiet, devoted and sympathetic type. They are especially attuned to the present moment, the details of the task at hand and the people involved. They are not big-picture people and tend to be suspicious of future possibilities. They tend to trust history MUCH more than the future.
The Nurturers enjoy safe and harmonic work places with few surprises and clear goals. Because they are so nice and generous people thay have to look out not to be taken advantage of. It might be important for them to learn to speak up for themselves.

what's yours?

little update.

most of my posts have been photo ridden lately with no info on the happenings of my life.
things with big and i have really taken a turn for the best. we were arguing a bit and now its like we've fallen in love all over again. i'm loving it. the crazy awesome sex we have been having may contribute just a tad...or a whole fucking lot! in my opinion, sex (whether its intercourse or just fooling around) is the biggest determining point in a relationship. you might be arguing but great sex can cure cancer (well relationship cancer at least). yes, if there is greater issues it can't be fixed, but here, we really do have a great relationship. the sex is like already having the cherry on top but now you get whipped cream and chocolate chips. heck yes!

so as we all know i'm living at home, in debt, and still finishing school. surprisingly, knowing that i've been rock bottom before has made this so much easier. i'm happy. i may have some things to worry about, but ultimately i know i'll be ok. i told myself a year ago that i would remind myself whenever things were rough that i've gotten through worse. i had no idea how much it would help. plus, this time around i've kept my friends closer. my girls, and by girls i mean my closest friends (m/f), mean more to me than anything. definitely learned from previous mistakes.

random snippet: i edited a photo of big yesterday and i looove it.


also:

fuck yeah!

the rest.

one week since the fourth and i'm finally posting the photos. whew! that was a lot of work. hope you all enjoy. spent my day:
riding bikes and watching the parade with big, family/family friends
rode bikes home down a closed pch.
hung out with big by the pool and played life.
went to a block party for my neighborhood with big and miranda.
speed raced to the pier on our bikes to watch the fireworks.
passed out at big's when the plan was to get our sex on.

it was excellent.


yes, i have a rudolph nose at the end of the day. proud of it too!