sometimes, i do believe.

after being in debt for almost 6 months, collection agencies calling, letters in the mail telling me my car will be impounded...my biggest prayer has been answered. i've gone through life having to be independent. being pushed into finding a solution myself rather than my parents just coming to my rescue. just to make it clear, this has been more of a blessing than a curse. i've learned to be self-sufficient. to WANT to be self-sufficient and independent. i want to be able to support myself and then some. sometimes you need a little help. and lately i've needed a lot of help. i'm not good at asking. i either want the person to read my mind or don't ask at all and try avoiding the problem all together.
i've done both here. but, coming home tonight, i found the greatest gift i could have possibly asked for. a letter and a check from my parents in the exact amount of what i needed to get everything figured out. i could not have asked for anything more, ever. so here is a big thank you to my parents. i'm good at words, but expressing HUGE emotions is hard. i can't even put into words what they have done and how major it is. thank you! thank you! thank you!

sk8r boi

these are from 2 weeks ago, i've just been lazy. twes and i were being bums (as you can see by our bleacher arts and crafts). we found a box of crayons and drew on those bleachers like it was our job! don't hate! and yeah! i tag with crayons. that's how the real gangsters do it beeeotch.
sorry...the ghetto in me popped out. anyway, it was fun, but it was hot. fun and hot are at 2 opposite ends of the spectrum for me. what can i say? i like the snow, not black top. i don't think i would want to bring my rebel on the mountain with me though.

p.s. don't hate on my use of avril lavigne as the title. you know this was your jam in middle school too!

etsy lovin.

i've become ridiculously obsessed with these little etsy shops:

blue eyed night owl. i see christmas gifts in my friends' futures. i love these.

the vintage apartment. i love all things vintage, especially stuff for the home. the colors/shapes/designs are just mmmmmm.

something monumental. i follow her blog and am so excited for the new little plush guys she's making. i suggested pandas...i'm gonna need to do a post on what is up with the pandas.

i found all these babies at amy's super huge giveaway!

wee golf.

beautiFALL friday.

 
1, 2, 3, 4, 5

i texted big the other day about #2 and how insane it is. so in love. hats in fall are huge. you can't go wrong with a cute beanie or some sweet fall colored hair accessories.
 
1, 2, 3, 4

whether it's 5 degrees or 95 degrees, you can always rock a scarf. i love the leopard print! every girl needs a little leo in her closet.

    

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

belts! belts! belts! jewel tones are so in right now. and you can never go wrong with browns in fall. i'm loving orange right now. i need me some orange skinnies.

alrighty

why am i disappointed? i should have known. scotch keeps the warning texts coming, but i just dismiss them or delete them all together. no negativity. hurrah for optimism!

i will say that many things HAVE changed. things that NEEDED to change 4 months ago. or at least it seems that way (my trust level is practically as low as earth's core at this point). i would have loved to never have the mental picture or any inkling/reason to think i can't trust anything he says or does. my mind is just so fucked right now. anytime a situation reminds me of things that have happened before, my mind freaks the fuck out. i go into undercover spy mode and try to figure out if i am right or...right (cause a woman is always right...right?). in my educated opinion, the cia should be mainly composed of women considering how good we are at cyberstalking.

anyway, that was a bit of a tangent. the real problem i have right now evolves around me being the courter and not the courtee. it was going...good? i was asked on 1 date. yayyyy. and then asked to "hang out," but i ended up being the one proposing what to do. i'm so over it.
hi, you're a man, i'm a woman, COURT ME DAMNIT! how many times do i have to ask?! sheesh.
i read a post on blogher that reminded me of when charlotte asks mcdougal to marry her and his response is, "alrighty." like the girls of sex and the city, i don't want an "alrighty" man. i want a "hell yeah!" man.

alrighty?


p.s. still love him...just frustrated. shit needs to change.

hate mail.

*just to clarify: big = ryan. ryan's/big's blog = rydizy skates. this guy at the link i posted said we copied his (caliskatespots), totes not the case.*
after years of blogging, i don't think i've ever considered saying that anyone is "imitating" my blog. hellooooo! it's a blog. so why am i saying this? rydizy skates got hate mail today. apparently, starting your own blog about skateboarding is imitation.
here's what pisses me off: i spent hours, days, months working on this. sometimes i would be up until 4am working on it. no, it's not god's greatest bloggy creation, but seriously! imitation my ass. literally, i could punch him in the face. welcome to the blogging world, asshole.

posted on the site that is accusing us of copying

he needs to learn blogging etiquette 101.
1. don't copy/paste comments
2. comment back
3. be yourself, it's YOUR blog.
4. don't bash other blogs.

so, friend, consider the work/time someone put into, well, their work before you start dissing.

i've debated posting the blog disser's blog. i decided:

apparently-you-call-it-imitation-but-i-call-it-having-a-good-idea-and-putting-more-work-into-it-than-you-do link


the message (or portion that pissed me off the most) from caliskatespots:

{secret sunday}

sunday secret time!
1. i could play call of duty zombies with big all night...especially with our random acts of sex in between games. hey! in the heat of war things happen.
2. i think that big looks sexy when he's sweaty and dirty from hours of skating.
3. i buy big presents because i hope he'll do the same for me.
4. whenever big and i get in a fight i remind myself of how my mom treats my dad and try my best to not be like her.
5. when big and i fight and i come over the same day i take a quick glance around the room to be sure that he didn't get rid of anything i've given him.
6. i think make-up sex is amazing, but call of duty sex is so much hotter.
7. i feel extremely self-conscious around gay guys because i want them to think i look FABULOUS!



p.s. i didn't have had gay sex, but i definitely relate to the rest.

i'm a fireman's daughter.

i'm sure everyone is starting their 9/11 post with "i remember when..." nothing special was happening when the towers were hit. i woke up to kevin and bean (who apparently hadn't heard about the crash) and my mom walked in telling me i needed to come to her room. i watched the whole thing from her bed without either of us saying a word. we just sat there stunned. hearing the sounds of the PASS alarms (the beeping that sounds when a fireman isn't breathing) was probably the most shocking for me because it was just a constant hum on the tv. i remember my dad calling to let us know he may get sent there for recovery. as a 11 year old, this scared the shit out of me. now looking back, even when i thought i was so mature and grown up, i didn't actually realize the severity of the situation. rip to those that passed.

my mind is trending.

i randomly clicked an old post about mr. music just now. yes, just now. right this moment, at 2.15am pacific standard time. and now i'm wide awake thinking, "what the hell, little?" it seems as though i have a lovely pattern. um hello?! wake up dumbass! smell the "i-have-the-same-problems-in-relationships" and hold the mother fucking phone here. what i'm referring to is this:

mmmhmmm. yeah-bitch! are you not repeating this same thought? scratch that. have you not been repeating this same thought for the past 3 months? yes. yes, i have. and i don't really know how this epiphany makes me feel. its saddening, but at the same time hilarious to me. maybe choosing the right guy comes with age (and i'm clearly not at that age now). jimmeny cricket!

why? why do we repeat the same lovely relationship woes? its like our minds think "oh! new guy! these problems can't be the same as the guy before...or the guy before that...or the guy before that...or the gu--" no dear, they are exactly the same problems. and it's not them. it is you. i thought i gave myself enough time to be able to hold my head up after the ex, but really i was just tired of waiting. it seems like now, my little self is attracted to guys who have better things to do with their lives than get an amazing blow job from me. hey, by all means, skate away, surf away, snowboard away (another trend, maybe), be cocky McCockster all over the town. please, just stay away from this girl. i'm so over being the one to try. i think we women should start a revolution and stop asking the man out, stop reaching when you're arm is numb and his fingers are barely outstretched. and guys, grow some balls, damnit. you want the va-jay, you gotta work for the va-jay. at least this one...starting now.

and i still want my damn morning mimosa. and i'm still not getting it. this, my friends, is not a-fucking-mazing. this is a-fucking-lame.


p.s. but hey! cheers to mr. music for making a rando appearance on the blog again. i'm proud for him.

disclaimer for big.

your ohhhhhhh moment.

whether you read this or not, sir, i am writing it to you. maybe you'll stumble across it and have a little "ohhhhh" moment. this is my blog. you are more than welcome to read whatever parts you'd like, but there are some things you must know...

1. i am not going to hold back just cause i know you read it.
2. no fights because of what i write.
3. keep in mind, i had this blog started just a weeeee little bit before we met, soooo it's not all about you and there may be things you really shouldn't look at.
4. with that in mind, this is public and i can't stop you from looking at things you may not like, BUT i cyberstalk you like a pro so i forgive you.
5. i usually write these post after i've talked to you...usually...sometimes before...sometimes i never bring it up...so don't be offended/upset/mad/weirded out/etc. k?
6. most importantly, i love you.

too much/too little.

i've started thinking a lot about what i really want lately. out of a relationship, at least. since big and i decided on this semi-break-ish-thing, i've realized that i've basically instigated everything in this. of course i want to get what i want, but the reason i'm instigating the dates, the conversations, the sex, the every single damn thing is because i'm hoping he'll "see" what i want. all he's seeing is that i want to be in control. no, sir. i want to be treated the way i treat him. I want to be asked on the date. i want it to actually be a DATE. not hanging out in his room watching lost or modern family. that's great, don't get me wrong. but, come on, ask me to the movies, ask me to lunch, ask me to dinner, ask me to brunch, ask me to stay over and have breakfast the next morning. i want flowers. i want a stupid surprise that you picked up because it made you think of me. is that so hard?

when you go through a horrible relationship, having control in the next one seems like the only way to be sure you don't get treated like crap. the fact is, unless you want the power truly, you just want to be loved. after trying this whole "treat others the way you want to be treated...and maybe he'll see/realize that is how i want to be treated" bullshit, i'm over it. treat me how you want to treat me. if its not good enough, peace out g-unit.

to make something clear, i haven't asked big to hangout. and i told him today that i didn't plan on doing it. so, success. he asked me to play mini golf tomorrow night. mini golf is a start. now where are the flowers?

photo cred: here

2 can keep a secret. if 1 of them is dead.

1. who is A? tee - 24.50
2. rosewood high tee - 24.50
3. i heart mr. fitz tee - 24.50
4. pretty little liars tee - 24.50

who else is obsessed with this show? i seriously cannot get enough. i'm not a die-hard fan of all things PLL. i haven't read the books so it's kind of all about the show for me. anyway, i've been putting together a few post with some of my favorites for fall and came across these. oh money, where are you? i LOVE 3 and 4. mr. fitz is so damn hot. i will so be watching this the minute i get off work, considering time has not been my friend since the finale. not only do i love the drama, but if i could own one wardrobe it would be aria's. amazing.

ten on tuesday.

 
1. What temperature do you keep your thermostat on during the day?
i don't touch my thermostat at home because my parents flip + the weather has been too good to do anything to it.

2. What temperature do you keep your thermostat on at night?
same answer. though, at big's, we try to make it cooler. he lives with a family that literally keeps it 85 and above. it's disgusting.

3. In a canister of mixed nuts, do you pick out certain varieties and leave the others?
always. don't get me wrong, i love nuts! but, some nuts are better than others.

4. What is your favorite kind of M&M?
peanut m&m's! i could eat those all day, everyday. like i said previously, i love nuts. only these are more delicious frozen.

5. How do you buy books? (Amazon, bookstore, new, used, electronic, etc)
at the bookstore, for sure.

6. How do you like your eggs cooked? 
the ghetto way. in the microwave.

7. Can you whistle? 
nope. and that is totally fine with me.

8. What common word do you always misspell?
necessarily. or unnecessarily. i unnecessarily spell necessarily wrong.

9. Are you afraid of flying?
the only part of flying i'm afraid of is my ears hurting. i haven't flown in years, but the last time i went to the mountains i felt like i was going to rip my ears off cause the pain was so bad.

10. How often do you go shopping?
more than i should.

labor day.

my weekend consisted of:
1. bike riding with big and his friend, illinois (his friend's nickname) through newport.
2. deciding to slow things down...A LOT...with big.
3. spending the night at big's last night hoping to have sex once more before our time of "no seeing each other," but that was ruined due to my girl thing deciding to come for a second time in 2 weeks.
4. rescuing a little cocker spaniel that was sitting in the middle of the road with big at 1am.
5. driving all over la today, including, but not limited to: mel's diner (so damn mutha fuckin good), rodeo drive, american apparel's warehouse where they have their clothes super discounted (big was stoked), seeing a brush fire erupt less than 5 minutes away from us, seeing another one a few hours later, going home to make sure that big was at least getting some "mmm satisfaction" this weekend (no complaints here), and taking a nap in the most comfortable position i have ever slept in.

how was your labor day?

fill in friday.

1. One thing that is completely superfluous, but that I could never give up is my stuffed animals. i keep 5 or 6 out and the other 5000001 are in the attic.
2. cute boys make me feel awkward.
3. I can't imagine life without, my friends.
4. tortillas with butter and salt (i may/may not be eating 3 right now) is my favorite snack.
5. Lately I've been trying desperately to get into classes. success with marriage and family.
6. If at first you don't succeed kick, scream, cry, pull your hair, punch the closest, unsuspecting person near you...then try again.
7. Fall is hiding. go away sun!

in response to 5, i finally got a class! thank the school gods! it's marriage and family. i'm excited. it seems awesome and i already love everyone in it. we're all outspoken. it's like being in a room full of life/relationship bloggers. i still have just a few more classes that i can possibly get into. unfortunately, all the classes with cute boys were full. no eye candy for this little. sad face.

how's school for all of you?

what have i been doing this past month?

this:

 big's new blog. all things skate. enjoy my friends. and tell me what you think. any suggestions for the design? anything i forgot?