letting a little piece of little out there.

4 years ago i made an adult decision that my teenage self was not ready to handle. i shouldn't have been in that position. i shouldn't have had to make that decision. i guess in a way i accept blame for doing what i did. i chose to trust people that i really didn't know. i chose to stay in a house alone with a guy i felt uncomfortable around while the guy i was dating went to pick up another friend. that is where my biggest regret begins. 2 months later, and 2 missed periods, that creepy guy who was too strong for me to use my kung fu skills on left his mark. i believe that i did make the right decision. i don't think i could have looked at myself in the mirror and seen what happened to me for 9 months. i know that, for some, it is a very selfish decision. i still carry the weight of what i did, but i also have to carry the weight of what was done to me. i didn't want to bring someone else into that same pain and confusion. still, and for the rest of my life i'm sure, i will wonder. this year, these past few months, it's been exceptionally hard. i just needed to get that off my chest.

dirty pictures.

oh yes, we have reached that stage. i always wondered if and how  that would come about. guess it started with me showing off some new fun stuff from victoria's secret. let me just say, i am the kinda girl who needs some kinky in my life. no boring, romantic sex. i want the good stuff. this seems to be a popular topic among the girls at my work. somehow our managers seemed to hire girls who all feel the same about "ooey gooey sex." it's all about the "heart stops beating" moment. big gives me that. it's like there is nothing else that exist when we start. and when it ends i have to take a moment to realize where i am and that 2 hours has passed. of course there's nothing against having a great romantic moment in the midst of it all. as always, the biggest reason i keep trying with this relationship is because the sex seems to fix it all. even when we have an awkward minute...or 30...after seeing each other after a big fight, all the awkwardness disappears after we start to get a little more personal.
it's weird how sex can do that. it's the best kind of cure.


i will definitely keep enjoying our phone little photo fests.

dirty sex and donuts.

i wish someone had written this to me when i was in high school. i've been wanting to do a post with a letter to the littler little; this fueled my want even more. high school was rough for me...at least the first 2 years. i can proudly claim the right to the worst reputation of my graduating class. i would walk down the halls and get called a whore. these assholes alienated me so much that by the time i left i had no friends. 

why did i get this rep? because in 9th grade i dated a guy that one of the bitches liked. so her way of making me pay was by spreading rumors about my fake slut status. if there was ever a time i can say i was clinically depressed, it was then.

i tried telling people. tried reaching out. mainly to my parents. i was repeatedly told to suck it up. the final straw came when i was attacked by 20 girls and blocked in by at least 50 people when i was walking home from school. none of the bitches laid a hand on me..could have been because i looked like a retarded, blind octopus and tried to hit anything within reach. the only person i was with (a guy friend) said he saw nothing because he was threatened. told my parents i wouldn't go back unless they let me transfer to a new school. that was the last time they ever listened to my cries for help (except for the 1500 to help with my debt). my last 2 years of high school were how they should have been. i was happy. i made friends. i didn't get called an std while walking to class every day. winning! yes, i just channeled my inner charlie sheen.

so what would i tell my younger self? to ask for help sooner. to not listen to what other people say and to change my situation before it gets worse. i'd tell my younger self to not be a nanny and keep a real job. to read style mags and sites so i'm not ashamed of my lame fashion sense. i'd tell myself not to date the asshole i met in math class. to not even speak to him...you'll be better off, dear. to pay more attention to what i really love and do what i'm best at. i'd change some mistakes i'd made but keep others because it made me discover who i really am, what i believe in and the people that i don't need.

more importantly i would tell myself, just wait. you will have your sweet revenge in about 3 years when all these girls that called you a whore will be whales with at least 2 kids from more than 1 baby daddy. while you are still doing and discovering what you love. be happy that you aren't the one sinking into a downward spiral called too much dirty sex and donuts.

a tweet is worth a thousand problems.

men. i think that one word can send a billion sentence-ending options into your mind. and depending on where you're at in relationship land they can range from men are an emotion-eating virus to men (or a man) make me sing love songs at high pitched voices that compete with disney princesses. for me, right now, at this exact moment/week/month/year i say men are oblivious. i've come to realize that there really is a ridiculous little robot living in the brains of women that dissects everything we see and makes us go into ultimate panic mode. i hate that robot, but at the same time i love it. that robot sends a red alert when i feel i'm being lied to and played.

now let me backtrack and say that not ALL men are oblivious. some are understanding and know what hurts, what upsets us and they refrain from doing those things. that's not the case in my horror movie. i could say 100840930471.5 times a day "something hurts me, please don't do it;" chances are the same thing will happen within 24 hours.

the little robot is telling me to wonder if it's not obliviousness, but if it is just the fact that person x doesn't care or want to stop. considering i repeated myself 100840930471.5 times, you would think they would have understood it around the 10th time. you know, i don't think asking someone to stop lying is so bad. i don't think asking someone to let you build your trust is so bad either.

sorry guys, but having 100 other girls talking to you (then lying about them) doesn't get you a gold star. at least not with me. wanna gain back that trust? don't continue being a tiny, hairy dick.

destination truth

i'm gonna tell you how i feel about a few situations. lemme just bitch a bit.

situation 1: my broken hand

in the midst of all this hell that is invading my life, i have to be an idiot (not shocking). while moving mannequins at work, one decides it doesn't like me that much and it's solution? to smash my hand. even fake people are out to get me. so, i am typing this at the rate of 5 words per minute (not literally, but it feels that way).

situation 2: lies at work

monday night, when i was feeling like i was going to spontaneously combust from being so heartbroken, one of the owners of my store decides to spread a dirty, dirty lie.

he calls the other owner (we'll call owner 2 smeagol; only because that's what his last name reminds me of, NOT because i know much of anything about lord of the rings) and tells him that i left without telling anyone. not true, sir. i even had my bag checked by another employee. pretty sure he was just testy because i caught him with some dirty, dirty girl in our store. dirty, dirty owner.

situation 3: immaturity

smeagol had a flip out moment yesterday (tuesday) and i was his outlet. phone rings at work, coworker makes funny faces, i laugh at her faces, i get sent home. why? because smeagol watches the cameras like a peeping tom and comes to the conclusion that i not only have supersonic hearing, but i'm also psychic and know who is on the phone without asking. therefore, i was laughing/making fun of him.

so, naturally, when i am told that he is making them take me off the schedule, i have a mental breakdown. i don't think i've cried that hard since my mom told me i had to start wearing tights in 3rd grade.

luckily, both my managers had my back and stood up for me. i'm back on the schedule.

situation 4: feeling invisible

you'd think that if you want to fix things for any reason you would take the proper steps. you wouldn't continue to do the things that you had already been doing that resulted in ruining what you're supposed to be fixing. i'll give you a second to wrap your head around that sentence, i at least need one to give my fingers time to breath...ok.

so yes, taking into consideration that you were the one that did these things to someone else, you would think that you would listen and care when that person is telling you how they feel and what you can do to make it slowly get better. not get angry at them all over again.

literally over all of it. not angry, not bitter...well maybe a little with the work situation. just some little thoughts.

stop whining and do the right thing.

i don't know how many times i have to say sorry before it's respected. i admitted that i fucked up. i took the blame for everything. yet here i am, unforgiven and ignored. it's undeserved. if i hadn't apologized, if i hadn't accepted and admitted i was wrong, i would understand.

even when telling friends what happened (while leaving out what i read, because i would really like to NEVER think about that again) they assure me that 2 were to blame. i guess, in a way, that is true. so then why is it that i am the only one being punished?

the oh, so typical answer? life isn't fair. i don't even know what to say anymore. it really is outrageous. yes, i get that i made a huge mistake. i should have listened to you. i should have not looked and just realized that you wanted to start over. but look at the truth. you have been lying to me this entire relationship. i'm forgiving you. i want to just end this in a way where it won't take me a year to actually get to some point where i'm finally comfortable enough to date someone. the last time, i was able to walk away with my head held high because abuser put everything on the table. he knew it wasn't just me that screwed up. he apologized. he called. he showed up with flowers. but i was able to move on because i knew my feelings were recognized.

CARE damnit. GIVE A DAMN. using the excuse that "you're just a dick" literally wakes me up at night. i refuse to sleep. i can't.

expectations

Forward/preface/whatever: I am not by any means a "praise Jesus! Hallelujah!" Christian. I'm not even an "I pray every day Christian." I question everything. I doubt. But the bible sometimes gets to me and I break out my rockharbor podcasts.

Last night: I listened to the same lecture 5 times. Nothing spoke to me more than that last night. The one thing that stood out so boldly to me was when he told the story of a woman we'll call her Sheila) and her 2 husbands (2nd came after the first died). The husbands were completely opposite. The first was messy, always in a rush, no time for small talk. The second was neat, punctual, a real romantic. The woman had been married to #1 for 15 years before he passed. When #2 came along everything was great for a bit then she started getting angry and frustrated with the way he did things. #2 told her they needed to talk. He told her simply "Sheila, I'm not #1. #1 died some time ago and I am here now. This is who I am."

Thinking about that right now brings sloppy tears to my eyes. I've lived the past year away from my #1 expecting everyone else to treat me like him. I was wrong. Expecting anyone to be the way someone else was is unfair. Every person in this world is unique. Every person has had their own life experiences. Part of growing up is learning to be aware of that. Expectations are overrated. The truth is underrated. That's not how life should be.

wtf {why the face}

i got a mac for the sole reason of its ability to multitask. i'm starting to think my mac is a man because it seriously cannot handle having the internet open to 4 different sites. major freakout. then when i simply open facebook there is an all out rebellion, which frequently leads to a click war and some shouting between both of us (don't beep at me mother fucker!). i have a feeling this may end badly. i've got my year warranty and i'm using it. tomorrow we dance macbook. it's not me, it's you. i'll comfort you as we walk to the apple store and pretend i care, but really, deep inside, i'll be smiling.
 

it takes 2.

compromise and understanding. i think that if 2 things mean more in a relationship, whether its a friendship or more, it is those 2. you can't have a healthy relationship based on only your selfish needs and wants. the relationship is going to be a fucked up mess. i think people have forgotten the meaning of the golden rule. the mentality seems to be "who cares how i treat someone else, it's all about what i get." it's bullshit, honestly. what people don't realize is that getting what you want means giving back. even if it's only to get.
people have been handed things on silver platters way too often. when you get everything without effort you don't learn respect, how to work for something, how to be grateful. what i've learned from my previous relationships is: the ones who have worked hard for what they have and who have been disciplined as kids are the ones that are usually more worth my time and energy. you would think that i would have learned it from my abusive ex. he never got in trouble, his parents took care of all his problems (from paying for everything to involving themselves in our relationship and excusing his actions). what did this result in? a 2 year old in a 25 year old's body. i'm not here to be a mom to a man i'm dating. i shouldn't have to "correct" him like i would a child. 2 people raised on 2 different sides of the spectrum (one raised to be independent and the other completely not) are going to have tension. what determines the outcome is compromise and understanding.
i just talked to my best friend last night (after a year of not speaking because i was an idiot...tends to always be the case). when you think of 2 very different personalities, we are pretty much bloomingdales vs. sears. his parents left him on his own when he was 16. it was a mutual decision. he didn't want to leave all his awesome friends. rondog (that's what we'll call him) was, by far, one of the most popular guys in high school. he was the cool senior and i was his little freshman puppy. i differed in a very big way. i was awkward, i had a handful of friends due to rumors spread by a bitch, who is now the size of a whale with 2 kids and no baby daddy (karma's a bitch honey--i'm doing a post on that later). i was not cool or popular by any means. but this guy literally saved me. when i didn't want to walk around school and get called names i would run to rondog's. i would stay all day, do my homework, sleep, watch tv...even when he wasn't home. he was the only one that understood how i was feeling and he gave me my escape. when he transferred to ucsb i felt like i was losing a huge part of my life. we grew apart, yes, but after 9 years we still consider ourselves best friends and when he came back it was like he never left. i deal with his jerkiness, he deals with my stupid logic. it's a compromise. our friendship has survived stupid fights, stupid decisions, and stupid time apart. whether its a relationship with a guy, a girl friend, or a coworker, i always think of how me and rondog have made it through the thickest. if i can deal with him, i can deal with anyone.

my brother from an egyptian mother.

i think it's time.

to venture back to this little blog of mine.
i needed some "me time." too much shit went down to feel like posting a...post. instead of talking to much of what happened, i'll just say where things stand now.
at this moment in little time i...
1. am searching for an apartment in la (thinkin i found the one). i'm moving there before the 2nd week of november, no matter what anyone says or thinks.
2. have taken like 7 steps up at my job. i'm designing their business cards, logo, website, facebook, i'm the photographer...i've got so many responsibilities i'm actually doing adult things, like keeping a planner. and i'm working full-time. make that monnaaay honaaaay.
3. big and i took a little break. things sort of exploded 2 weeks ago and we needed time apart. we're back now. better than ever (so far). we even took a little trip down "dress big like a girl" lane. unfortunately, the photos have entered a vault and can never be released. i will say that big makes a very pretty girl though.

so yes, i'm back. i will continue being back for as long as i can. of course, i will need some time off once i start my move. so excited. i'll be right smack in the middle of downtown la. next to all the places that will be making me broke because i'll be shopping way too much.

a little photo of the place (not MY place, but similar; i'm not a neutral fan):

isn't it cuuuute?!