people can suck it.

i am so disappointed in:

1. friend - this person can go to hell. that is where this person belongs. when things were finally lightening up between e and i this asshole decided to swoop in and ruin everything. they were rude and disgusting to him and now i am the one that is being blamed. this person was hardly a friend in the first place. they had no right to intrude the way they did. they had no right to say the disgusting things they did. i am embarrassed and hurt.

2. e  - to blame me for something i did not do and to treat me as though i did hurts. i've been in your shoes. i did not blame people who were not at fault. i did not deserve the anger that resulted from said friend to be directed towards me. i did not deserve you telling me to fuck off when i had done nothing wrong. that is the bottom line. i defended you. i fought for you and i cut someone out of my life for you. because you were the one that mattered. i don't understand why that is so hard to understand.

once again, i know that there is someone out there that will love me for who the fuck i am. 

out of all of this there is some light. last night i ran into someone (we'll call him mr. fitz) after almost a year to the date of meeting each other the first time. pretty crazy. it was a fantastic night. my friend, charlotte, came out and we actually drank together and had a blast.

this weekend i am going to san diego for fitz's birthday and to train for my new job as a bridal consultant, which could not have come at a worse time...yay, i'm so happy for your great relationship that i don't have.

p.s. i really need to update the list.

a very honest post.

coming soon. like within the next 6ish hours. stay tuned.

i'm reminded again as to why i am and always have been romantically challenged.

cat fight, bitches.

oh drama. save it fo yo mama.

i hate when my friends fight over stupid shit. miranda and samantha are not on speaking terms at the mo because samantha hooked up with miranda's best guy friend last november and just now found out about it.

yes i would be mad if one of my girl friends did that. but i would not cross her out of my life. i feel like if those 2 run into each other it would be the biggest cat fight in hbeach history. i'm currently trying to stay out of it. i understand both sides, but come on girls. we're not in high school anymore. let's be adults about this.

in other news, i'm tired. long day in the nanny world today. i am now remembering why i don't like to do it. on my profile it states that i have been nannying for 4 years. do you really find it necessary to ask if i've ever changed a diaper? no, i have not. i worked 8-10 hours a day and let them do what they do cause that's what a responsible nanny does (kidding). ughhhh. just got to hold on to the fact that this is temporary.

and lemme just clarify...it's not the kids that make me dislike the job, it's the parents.

semi-job-ish thing.

so i got a semi job. i'm nannying again. m-f, 9a-12 (i'm fucking tired), for 18mo old twins. these guys:

those are chairs, upside down. this is basically how the day went. i love dylan's face in this one. he knew i was doing something with my phone, once he realized i was taking pictures he was smiling and hamming it up (not in this one obviously).

in other news, i've come to some life changing (or at least temporary life changing depending on how long my life will be changed by it) conclusions in the past 24 hours. no i will not share them. they are for me and my little brain only at the mo.

also, i have 2 pretty in-the-bag interviews tomorrow and wednesday. that is exciting, seeing as i don't plan on being up at 9a for much longer.

ps. i did a guest blog post at melissa's blog, 53blonde: men + shoes.

help a little fly. fly high to the sky!

i have this goal. it's to start my own clothing boutique. but first i want to start small. with an online store.

i have this friend. he has agreed to help me start it.

neither of us have enough cheese to pull it all together. we can design we can market and we know all the business mumbo jumbo, but you can't have a store without product.

we have this generous, kind, beautiful donator. they want to help us succeed. cause they rock! duh.

what you get for giving, besides a virtual hug:

advertising:

small ad space: $5 for 1 month, $10 for 2 months, $15 for 3 months

medium ad space: $10 for 1 month, $15 for 2 months, $20 for 3 months

large ad space: $15 for 1 month, $20 for 2 months, $25 for 3 months

bloggy design:

$15 for 3 buttons in whichever size you please, for whatever you please

$25 custom blog header

$35 blog header and 3 buttons.

or you could just give for any reason, like maybe it's going to make me grow .000038459735897 cm, or maybe you're just that cool.
so...

little hi, little ho.

feeling much better. ed and i talked and we're on the same page with the whole situation now. such a weight is off my shoulders.

did my drug test for my job yesterday (which took an hour and resulted in me having to go to the bathroom 3 times on my hour drive to la). so now i'm just waiting to find out when i start. i have 3 more interviews this weekend. ready to tackle those now too. and i may or may not be trying a little more unconventional ways of making some quick cash. if you want to donate, my corner is...kidding. ew.

so ultimately things are grand. yes, some things could change, but i need to keep reminding myself it was worse less than 24 hours ago.

the best news: little is gettin her sex drive back. that is the most exciting part of all.

oh, and i may open up my own little online boutique. very soon.

ugh.

i don't know what i'm gonna do about tomorrow. i don't want to sleep. i'll probably be up at 6a like i have been for the past 3 days. yay life. but i need to remind myself to beeeee grateful. so here's a photo of my interview outfit and my new favorite shoes. it won me the job so that's a plus to all this crap.

here's a quote to leave you with from an online friend that was probably the best thing i've heard in months:

"you just have to find the one that will be an asshole FOR you rather than an asshole TO you."

unhot mess.

it's fairly safe to say that i am a unhot mess right now. everything has come crashing down in less than 24 hours. that's how it always happens in my life though. when it rains, it always pours. i need to start cherishing those moments when things are only a little fucked up because that seems to be as good as it gets.

so now, i'm applying for jobs (if anyone is the socal area knows of anything please email me). i'm trying to have some kind of fucked up friendship with the person that means the most to me right now. and i'm deling with a health issue that i never thought would come back again. wishful thinking on the last one. it was quite inevitable. maybe the fact that it all happened on one stupid, ugly day is one of those not-so-fucked-but-still-fucked moments that i can cherish.

you know little is beyond stressed when she can't even feel turned on. looks like i won't need to buy any batteries for awhile.

i am trying to conquer one feat through all this. i used to stop blogging when things got tough. i'm going to try not to do that anymore. i always say it's better to let it out than hold it in. i'm at the point where i'm questioning whether or not to make this blog private. apparently having an anonymous blog where you let out your feelings leads to people using those feelings against you regardless. cheers to fuckedness.

short and not so sweet.

this blog needs to go in a completely different direction. i'm getting sick of writing about things that i'm happy about only to be treated like absolute trash by the things making me happy.

it's great to care about yourself, but when it's at the expense of another person well-being it is taking it to far.

so here's a big giant internet cheers to the people that make us feel like hell. and here's an even bigger cheers to the most fucked up weekend of my year. yay life.

p.s. no labels on the post, just straight up fuck-off-ery.

zombies and snitches.

so not only is edward my perfect match sexually, but apparently he will be the perfect partner in a zombie world war. how i've come across this little tidbit of info? my dream last night. and since dreams are obviously real life i believe it's true.

now onto the snitches.
i am currently suspended from work because someone stuck their nose into something that did not involve them. one of the cashiers that i worked with on friday took things to a whole other level. i wasn't feeling good and he perceived something i said to one of the girls as grounds for him to lie and call our store manager. on sunday me and this girl went in the back before i left and talked things out. i assumed we were good.
the next day i went to work, dominated sales, then got called in the back before my shift was over. i was told that i would be suspended until HR decides what to do. i didn't understand why i would be written up when we worked out our issues. well, apparently that cashier called my manager and told her that i had called this girl a bitch. never happened. nor did the girl go to the manager about it since we had settled it like ADULTS. which this snitch couldn't do.

i am so against tattle tale-ing. if you don't know every aspect of the situation and if it doesn't involve you then stay the fuck out of it. now my job is on the line for no reason at all and for something that is no longer an issue. i'm pissed.

anyway, here's a cute picture of me and edward just to counteract with the snitch story and bring an aww moment.

steezy february.

i'm writing a post. in the meantime...me.

february steez.

my take on the rest of the bachelor.

first, i just have to say that i am disgusted with the fact that ben just said he never kissed "any of those girls." well, what about this one?

i might be blind, but i'm pretty sure i see his hand fully grabbing her ass. and that's not just lower back or cute-hand-in-pocket grabbing. that's full on grab-a-big-chunk-o-dat-ass grabbing. in my book, any ass grab on someone's ass that isn't mine while making out is cheating. but hey, that's just me.

and courtney. oh sigh. or as ben would say, "oh my dad" (gag me). i relished in seeing those girls roast you and call you out. you earned it. i still don't buy your apology.

my final words: i don't think this is going to be one of those everlasting love stories we always see on the bachelor...err wait, we never see that. aww bummer.

cougar facial 15

that is the name edward gave to my porntastic day. my mom and i got facials today (i got extractions...not fun) and i was supposed to go out with her and her friend which is where the cougar part came from. 15, cause obviously there were parts 1-14 too.

anyway, e and i have been on a bit of a roller coaster lately. it's been a little hectic, but i think the ride will be a little smoother from this point on. driving up there last night was an excellent decision. even though my drunk mind lead to me reading his text wrong and to think something completely different. besides that, i don't think i've ever met someone that i'm more sexually compatible with. it's insane. next weekend should be even more fun since we'll have a bit more time together. yippy skippy.

in other news, i'm about to smear all my juicy family drama all over this here blog space.

my step side of the family is a mess. i only know the immediate cousins, aunts and grandparents. my grandpa has diabetes and is bed ridden. my guy cousin has a baby, but loves his weed and neglecting his child. my aunt is a meth head who is in denial and has now invited her druggie boyfriend to live with all one, two, three, four, five, six, seven of them. while they are already on welfare. my aunt likes to yell at the most innocent of the bunch: my 2 year old baby cousin (daughter of the pot head). and my grandma, she likes to think that everything is peachy.

i want to call social services and get that little girl out of their. she is the only one that CAN'T make a conscious decision and leave. she's the only one that can get out of there and live a healthy life. so now i ask you, what do you think? what would you do?

mossy outface.

today is the day that i talk to e about "how i feel." i'm sure he's just as excited as i am about this. sarcasm. ha. ha. i wrote out what i want to say so i don't start going on tangents. joy.

i don't like fighting. i don't like arguing. i am really hoping this is not what this conversation turns in to. i am starting to think that i may have set myself up for failure by titling this blog "romantically challeged." so today i'll either be challenged or...not.

in other news, actor (who i need to rename because i feel like it is lame so he shall now be called captain jack) is back. we started talking last weekend. he's filming in atlanta till saturday for...a show of which i will not name. we're talking a bit more than usual. it was weird realizing that we've known each other for 9 years. crazy.

unintended post.

i had one of the worst days on saturday. i won't go into too much detail, but i basically cussed out (deserved) the fatal attraction girl at work. i'm kinda proud of that. i'm the type of person (typically) that keeps my mouth shut when something is bothering me. i don't USUALLY voice how i feel. especially, if i don't see it as that huge of a deal. this situation progressed because it has continued for so long.

what i said:

if you're gonna steal my fucking sales you can at least put their shit away too.

what she said:

i didn't steal anyone's sale!!

what i said:

you're a fucking bitch.

why it pissed me off? she without a doubt stole my $1000 sale which is money in my pocket. and yes, i was right because she admitted it to multiple people.

not my classiest moment, but we'll see if she ever does it again.

on top of that, edward and i have hit a wall. that is as far as i will go on that level.

i think hidden under all of that was the fact that it was 6 years to the day since my grandpa passed away. even though i consciously forgot about it i think it was still subconsciously affecting me. too late to understand it now. or fix much.

i said i wasn't going to post (on twitter), but i felt the need to. plus i have to send a big thank you to big for being there for me when i was crying my eyes out. to be there in that situation was huge. to be as understanding as he was was even bigger.

what did i learn from all of this? i will not turn into my mother. i refuse. that's what i feel is happening between me and edward. i see her in me way too much and that is something i want to avoid at all costs.

starting arguments when you could spend that time being all lovey dovey and connecting doesn't make sense to me. i believe in at least coming to an understanding whether or not there is an agreement. that seems to be an issue. and now i shall stop writing before i get all angry and hurt. i am a girl. it happens.

edward has levels.

i woke up this morning after having one of the best dreams of my life. i have a very vivid imagination, but i feel like what i dreamt was something that couldn't be just a story.

fish came from wherever fish was to spend 2 days with me. we got to talk about what happened and why. i woke up feeling like a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulder. he met edward (which means a lot to me). and he talked to me about all the big things that have happened to me since he's been gone. something that i needed every time but he wasn't there. even if this was just a dream, i still feel like it was my body's way of finally moving on from so much. i feel like a different person. like i can jump out of bed and hit the ground running. i like this.

anyway, thursday night was pretty amazing. i feel like there should have been cameras and a director following edward and i around the whole night.

we went to the gibson show room to go to a friend of a friend's label release party. the guitars were pretty spectacular, there was lots of beer (corona light for me...after heinekin and bud light, gross). after the party we went to get his car. we got a tad carried away before he left. things were still going when i saw 2 guys walking around the corner and it happened to be his best friend. awesome. after the run-in he was flustered and ended up poking me in the eye. even better! when we got to his "apartment" i walked in and saw that he had no windows and i started crying (claustrophobic). could it get any worse? no, it couldn't. not when clowns pop up on the tv because obviously they were inevitable.

on the plus side, i met edward's twin (aka best friend). and apparently got approval which leads us to level 5 (we went a bit out of order). the next day i straightened his apartment while he was at work so i think i got some bonus points. and maybe moved up another level.

edward's levels:

1. attraction

well obviously this was a success.

2. friend approval

the twin was the one who's approval mattered most. plus i got the tiwn's silent girlfriend to talk. woo!

3. conflict resolution

i think we still need to work on this. but, we're doing somewhat ok.

4. sexual compatibility

there isn't even a word to describe how freaking compatible we are here. we were a match made in dirty, kinky heaven.

5. disneyland (this was a mutual decision)

getting a pass the second my tax return comes.

5.5. a trip together

thinking sf or san diego. i've never been to san francisco though so, ahem, i think i know where i want to go.

  

disney trip is coming soon.

marching into march in 5 inch wedges

i can't believe it's march already. well, in 5 hours, but it will be march when this get's posted. i don't like it. i feel like i have been lame for 1/4 of the year. yuck.

i'm not really stoked on how february went. i need to start saving money. i don't know where it keeps going but it's getting on my nerves. it's finally starting to hit me that my little speed racer will be mine in 2 months. and then i will be ready to move the hell out of here. i was going to go peruse through ikea today, but things got in the way.

best part of my day is this bitch: 

my new iphone cover, all stud-sy and shit. mmmhmm. i hope you all appreciate my hot mess of a hair-do.