remember that one time

yeahhhhh. i just walked in on my parents. i thought that locks were put on doors to LOCK them, not scar your children for life. thank god i was hardly paying attention. just opened the door to let my dog in. but right when i heard my dad say, "oh fuck" there was no turning back. luckily after my fabulous night and a bottle of wine to make this go down a little easier i think i will live without needing any kind of serious brain surgery.

it doesn't help that after the fact they are yelling down the hall to me. conversation went a little like this:

mom (down the hall)

that was mortifying!

me (down the hall)

i didn't see anything!

dad (down the hall)

i was just giving her a massage!

me (down the hall)

is that what kids call it these days?!

mom (down the hall)

we love each other!

me (down the hall)

it's too late to have "that talk"!

mom (down the hall)

too bad you're not 8!

me (down the hall)

yeeeeahhh. i'm going to sleep now!

dad (down the hall)

i was just giving her a back massage

me

.......

has anyone else walked in on their parents?

i'm literally making them a nice little doorknob sign that says "do not disturb." i'll even put a bow on it and make it a lovely little present.

thanks mom and dad.

switching things up

when it rains it pours. always. i'm one of those people who, when one thing goes wrong, every. freakin. thing. goes. wrong. it's ridiculous. like the MR situation and being flaked on last night. and on top of that it seems like there is an asshole apocalypse on ok cupid cause that's all that guys seem to be on there now.

anyway, i'm trying to put more posts out there into the blogosphere. kaelah from LCH set my bloggy fingers on fire with her ebook. if you haven't seen her blog, you must. i've been following her for years. i want to stretch this blog a little further from just paragraphs about my life. i secretly feel a little crappy for only talking about my relationships and how shitty they can be (now it isn't a secret, damn). it gets tiring. and ultimately leads me to not post for days because i really don't want to talk about how crappy things are all the damn time (that might be a slight exaggeration). plus, i feel like i should be incorporating all the things i love (friends, styling, boys, make-up, music, photography). so here's to switching it up.

anyway 2 times, i go on a lot of dates. i'm what you might call a date whore. so i have my favorite go-to date outfits. i think i seriously need to start keeping a damn calendar of what i wore, with who, and when because god forbid i wear the same thing twice. and i really can't keep buying a new shirt every other day. this was supposed to be last nights:

jean jacket: f21 // floral skull shirt: h&m // maroon leggings: f21 // ring: f21 // necklace: best frann bday present

so what do you think about the ch-ch-changes?

the little engine that couldn't compromise {inebriated post}

**i think it's vital that i mention that i am writing this tipsy and while i am listening to a paul simon documentary...PAUL SIMON. i don't even know a title of a single paul simon song. he's from simon and garfunkel right? the guys that like wearing 70s shirts and playing with tigers? sorry, paul, i'm pretty sure i'm so off.**
i try. i really do. i try to be understanding and compromising but if you aren't willing to meet halfway (this is where that sentence stopped before i reread this, apparently i assumed you should all just be able to complete my sentences) then why should i?
example a: MR.we ended up hanging out last night (i give people too many chances, really). somewhere along the line his lacking texting skills got brought up. i may have made a joke about it but it was a joke. not an invitation to have a full discussion regarding his lacking texting skills. ugh. as many times as i said i was not in the mood to talk about it, he kept bringing it up. so obvi i got more frustrated. obvi there came a point where i was going to be mad. initially he started with stating his side and asking questions. after telling him multiple times that we could meet halfway he agreed. then ended the night by saying "this is me. it isn't going to change." ok, last time i checked that's a 180. and last time i checked, that's not a compromise.
example b: someone who won't have a name unless it reaches a month. we planned to hang out tonight. i got all my stuff done before the time we planned for. i turned down my parents when they invited me to dinner and a movie because i'd already had plans. i could have hung out with rofl but i waited. i got dressed for a date. and ladies know this is an exceptional freakin process. hair, nails, make-up, outfit. we get cute to see you. and i got cute to see him.because at 7 when he told me he was going to have to work early he never specified he wouldn't be able to hang out tonight. never. so when he calls at 830 and isn't even willing to give me 5 minutes of his time, of course i'm gonna be hurt. of course i'm gonna be mad. DUH! duh george! (that is not his name, just an fyi...a drunken fyi). and of course after being fired the day before and dealing with mister i-can't-text i'm going to be stressed and chances are if you give a little a stressful situation she is going to cry. eventually, he compromised. a lot. so if HE is reading this, please know how much i appreciate it. soooooooo much. like, mutha damn words can't even explain.
example c: scotch eggs/chef. yeah. it's been awhile since i've talked about scotch. he was there for me through all the big shit. always on my side. always giving me the best advice that still rings in my head when i make a little stupid decision. for a year and a half he's been trying (unfruitfully) to take it to another level. difference here is that he COM-PRO-MISES!! he's willing to be my friend no matter what. always ther for me. always just a friend. and he understands. it's an easy convo. DIFFERENCE!! pay attention, other men.
compromise: a huge deal. the. end.

f*** off friday

i've run into plenty of assholes on these dating sites. how could we forget the guy that turned psycho after one date? or big?! um hello! cheating, lying, shit talking asshole...what can i say, it's fuck off friday and i ain't holding back.

here's a new one. this guy sent me one message on okcupid and i didn't respond becausea) i was not interestedb) because i wasn't interested i'm not going to waste anyone's time or my own.c) i may or may not be dating someone and i wouldn't have responded regardless.d) I. WAS. NOT. INTERESTED.apparently those explanations didn't pass his small peanut brain and he decided to be a dick:was this supposed to make me more attracted?
*if anyone has issues with me posting his screen name and photo on here i will gladly remove it so feel free to let me know before you make it messy.

rolling on the floor.

some people come into your life at the perfect time, and it's always best to say thank you. so this is a very public thank you to rofl. as weird and strange as you are i'd be at a loss without all your advice. it's ridonkulous. especially tonight mister. crappy people and crappy life events equal crappy tears coming out of my crappy eyes. i always, always, try to avoid burdening people with my problems (except for you lucky folk) but sometimes you just have to share the hell you're going through just to here "you'll be fine."

in other words, today sucked majorly. i think i pretty much deserved the end of it due to the fact that i basically asked for it by saying, out loud, that when one thing goes wrong, every stupid thing goes wrong too. tomorrow is a new day...actually right now considering it is 1am. 
by the way, do you guys prefer my text centered (like the other posts) or like this one? decisions decisions.

strawberry stealer

ughhhh finally done studying and writing my research paper so now i have time to come back to this little shit. this week...well less than a week...has been off. lame. stupid. dumb.

looking and not touching? how dare they.

i worked gay pride weekend at my work, which involved cocktail serving at the gay pride pool party. i think i saw more penis than a 50 year veteran prostitute. it. was. everywhere. here is my big question, where were all the lesbos? i swear it was a sea of weener with 9 or 10 (no exaggeration) females, not including me and my coworker. and the "bathing suits"!! i thought girls dressed scandalous. well ladies, you ain't got nothin' on the gay boys at this party. my itty bitty booty shorts cover more than their 2 inch piece of spandex. and there were plenty of handjobs going around. slightly awkward when you're trying to hand someone a drink and the guys next to him are going at it. but i have no hate. they were super sweet, i got great tips, and it was nice to work in the sun (minus the shitty sunburn i got).
other than that the weekend was pretty much uneventful. i was exhausted by the end of sunday. i started a new job yesterday then locked myself in my room for 30 something hours.
i also managed to read 50 shades of grey in 3 days. don't mistake my fast paced reading for love for this book. i skipped probably 3/4s of it. and i don't understand the fascination with it at all. i felt like crying in some parts because it's sad how people are so in love with a book that is romanticizing abuse. it's disgusting. that book needs to be burned to ash. for the writing and the stupid plot. if i ever talk like a 70 year old woman as a 23 year old west coast girl please slap me. this writer needs to do way more research the next time she decides to write more meaningless crap.
"now tell me how you really feel."

f*** off friday

this fuck off friday is brought to you by the phrase, "text back."
this seems to be a skill that the guys i date do not have. i don't know why but i seem to attract guys that thing they have lost their fingers, phones, eyes, ears. it's a rare and refreshing moment when i meet someone who actually texts me more than once a day.
like i've said before, i'm not asking for much. it was easy to give up on mr because he wasn't practically nonexistent when we weren't physically together. so text back men! otherwise you ain't gettin none of this. mmmhmm
this fuck off friday is slightly short, because, let's face it, i talk about my feelings towards texting fails quite often. but, i couldn't think of much that i'm truly pissed at because i happen to be very happy with life right now. so fuck off...fuck off. i have nothing to say to you. hmpf.
things that have kind of bothered me this week:1. chick that dyed my hair red wouldn't even offer a discount on redying it when it has faded so much. yelp attack coming soon.2. chick that was supposed to interview me at 8a on monday didn't show up till 830a. i coulda had 30 more minutes of sleep.3. my body being sick and stupid. i swear i have wanted to go to bed since 630. ugh.

when my lightning bolt's a glowin.

 yippy skippy i have a tattoo! it's actually not red inside that's just the sharpie plus my skin and i being pussies. i like it. scariest part...telling my mom. i thought for sure she wouldn't talk to me for days. her response, "oh cool. it hurts huh?" who are you and what did you do with my mother?
i have a new rule for this blog. if i'm not dating you for longer than a month you will not make an appearance on this blog. mr is out. he flaked last night when we were planning to hang out for days. lame. lame. lame. but oh well i had made plans before he even told me because i figured he would cancel. and i had a fantastic night.
working gay pride week in long beach this weekend. i'm super excited. i have 2 aunts that have been together for at least 30 years so gay pride is a big weekend for me.

thanks for all the well-wishes too guys. i'm still not 100% but getting there.

p.s. someone wanna explain to me what the heck the deal is with 50 shades of grey? should i be reading this book too?

thingys

just a quick update:
1. i'm getting a tattoo tonight.2. mr is out. i'm not into flakey people. the only person allowed to be flakey is my best fran.3. meeting new friends.4. picked up another shift at work (which means i shall be moving sooner).5. trying to convince rofl to move with me.6. still sick.7. will still be sick after working 24 hours for gay pride weekend.8. missing e. more about that later.

sick

ramones, blog, and horatio caine.

i despise being sick. i feel so unproductive when i have to lay around all day and sleep till outrageous hours of the afternoon. and i'm not even that sick but it's enough to throw me off and make me feel smelly. i think i'm going to visit rofl today. have a movie day, force him to cook me dinner by taking his cat hostage until he does, you know, the ushe. at least i'll be being unproductive somewhere else besides my bed.
MR texted me quite more than usual last night. shocker. we're supposed to hang out tomorrow night before he goes on a little business trip. to all the ladies that responded to my last post, i totally agree. there should be some sort of time limit. and the lame excuse of "i didn't see the text"? come on. i'm not that dumb. but oh well, i've decided to take things much slower than i was. i'm not going to try and create something out of nothing.
anyway, here's a song since i'm too diseased to say anything else...ok maybe 2 songs cause i'm obsessed with grouplove right now:

i can't get over how amazing they are. they're playing at "let's make music, pasadena" next month. obviously i will be there.

the art of texting back

i don't ask for much, really. ever since e and i split i've become more accepting of some people's lack in texting skills. but, there's a point where i'm just over it. what is the point of dating someone if you don't connect when you're apart. i literally feel like it's 2 separate relationships. one is with someone that is sweet, funny, intelligent. the other is with a dumb guy that only chooses to respond to every other thing is say, which isn't much in the first place.
i know it's pretty insignificant (texting) but when it's the day of that "great" morning that's a little low.besides i have this rule, if i'm hooking up with you it's only you and i expect the same respect. i didn't think i would need to tell MR that but apparently i should have made that clear. oh well. i don't really care as much as i thought i would.
my mom ended up liking her mother's day presents so success on that note. no awkward gift giving moments either because i was able to leave for work before it was opened. double success.

mother f***er

haagen dazs is he best boyfriend ever.

happy mother's day (almost) to all the bloggy mommy's (& nannies...i was in your shoes, you basically are moms). my mom has never been the most appreciative when it comes to gifts. it gets awkward. so this year i decided to listen carefully to everything she said she wanted. i bought her a bunch of goodies from lush (obviously, i talk about them too much) and the ramones shirt that i had gotten for myself. she gave me a hard time a few weeks ago for not getting her one too...whatever. so we'll see how "appreciative" she is this year. hmpf. it's one halmark holiday, chill.
after shopping like my life depended on it all day yesterday (and only buying one thing for myself), i planned to go see the new guy (i think i'm gonna call him MR, it's the best i could come up with) much earlier than we actually ended up getting together. i was frustrated driving out there. i could have hung out with rofl for a little, possibly seen avengers, possibly gotten tipsy with friends. instead, i waited in the target parking lot and wrapped mother's day presents. which wouldn't have been so bad had i not made the stupidest looking tissue paper flowers ever. whatever, my grandma will appreciate my craftiness.i can't really complain anymore though. and it's kinda hard to stay mad at someone as cute as him (i blame him for that). we went and got a drink and ended up going back to his place. it was an extremely fun night and morning. and i was quite surprised...i'll just leave it at that.
so, i guesssss i'm not frustrated anymore. ugh. fine. 

f*** off friday

my goal is to not always write these little fuck-offs to specific people but this one is deserved.
today's fuck-off friday is brought to you by my ex. enjoy.
so i've talked about this asshole once or twice before. you'd think that after 2 and a half years of hell god (or whoever is up there) would let it stop there. nope. it's literally become a joke to say "asshole (i usually use his name) fucked me over again." it never fails. 
first it started with my credit. when we were together we had a credit card (yes, i've learned my lesson). when i kicked his stupid ass out i told him to take me off of it. he didn't right away. he did after he had racked it up to $10,000. talk about a shocker when i went to check my credit score and it said i was $10,000 in debt. so he took me off. but, that shit doesn't clear for 2 years. it hasn't been 2 years yet. and i want to move out but yay! i have that to explain away.
the second "asshole fucked me over" has to do with a) the lovely dent on the back of my car from when he used it as a place to put his fist (aka punch), b) the stain on my ceiling from when he thought it would be a great idea to cool me down with an entire smoothie (in anger), and c) all the times he used his puny hulk strength to slam my passenger side door was obviously just because he thought i needed new speakers (it doesn't quite work well anymore). yeeeeaaaah, he was great.
the third "asshole fucked me over" happened last week. he had a surfboard listed for sale when we were together and it was linked to my paypal. i was emailed last week by some random guy in australia asking if i still had it. and before i had a chance to say no he paid me. so in my attempt to give him his money back, paypal decided to take it out of my bank account. i rushed to my bank to take out all my money but they took it out anyway. so, i was overdrawn 500 dollars. awesome. lazy asshole didn't even delete the ad online and i had to deal with the extra drama.
so thank you asshole ex. you sucked then and you suck now.

my first kiss

it was at summer camp. this cute curly blonde haired guy and i met at the lake and he kissed me under the stars.
not.
sometimes i wonder how and why i liked 3/4 of the guys i liked when i was a littler little. they were weird, gangly, pimply, and most of the time not the sharpest tool in the shed. i was attracted to the dumb ones.so my first kiss was exactly that guy. he was gross. i like to pretend it never happened. but it did. it was at a sweaty school dance where everyone thought freak dancing (leg humping) was the shit. after that night i strategically avoided him for the next 6 years that we went to school together. no idea how i was so damn good at it but the last time i recall seeing that guy was in 7th grade (even though he lives around the corner from me). SUCCESS!
so from this point on we'll pretend that the first story is the real one.

daddy-o...

was awesome-sauce. my hair is already quite a bit brighter. i wish i took a before and after pic but i looked gross before. the after:

yes it's cross-processed but a) that was done to show the color better and b) you can see the fading at the bottom anyway (no it is not that brown but it might as well be, asshole hair).

i used it with my cheapo tresemme color protection conditioner. regardless i felt and saw a difference right a-muthafuckin-way. my hair feels so much lighter (even though the opposite was reported in reviews on lush). it is shinier and more red. i am still going to get it re-dyed. i feel like it was too little too late. i should have invested in better shampoo/conditioner the second i got it dyed. oh well. i love the smell too...i may or may not have smelled my hair like a creeper a few times tonight. i did stop by ulta and get a mini-sized wella conditioner for colored hair. we'll see if that helps too.
so do i recommend this shit? yes. and it definitely is not just for blondes and grays.
lush, you've done it again you sly, sly dog. 

more lush

since i died my hair the amount of fading is depressing. it's only been 3 weeks and it's practically brown again. i did not pay to have my hair red for 3 weeks only. i want to look down and think hey my hair is red. not the same damn color as before.
 so, i went into lush and was recommended to try this:it's meant for blonde and gray hair but apparently does wonders for color treated hair too. i read reviews on this and a lot of people complained about the smell but i love it. we'll see how this goes. if it doesn't work i'm heading to my neighbor to have her try and get the red back. i'm sad.
i probably shouldn't have splurged on the "big" size right away. too much faith? maybe. fingers crossed big time.

stupid cupid

i deleted my okcupid profile. online dating can suck it (this has nothing to do with the new person). i think i would rather be single than continuously meet new people, have my hopes high, then shot down over and over. truthfully the biggest reason for me staying on that site was because i got a lot of blog views from it.
here's what i've learned from the free online dating side of the road:
1. this is the most important...i feel like online dating opens up a whole new world of cheating for guys (and possibly girls but i haven't seen that side of it). i can't tell you how many guys i saw that were in a relationship but were still highly active. and let's not forget how big used it to cheat time and time again. there is definitely a difference between innocent flirting with girls at a bar where whoever you're dating can't see and hanging out on a dating website.it's funny because they ask a question on there about whether or not you'd be ok with the person your dating being on there while you're dating them (that was a mouthful). a lot of guys say "yes." do we not realize the purpose of this site? it's to meet people of the opposite sex to date. it's a dating website. no it is not ok for you to be on a dating website when you're already dating someone.now i will say that there was only one guy who i know for sure respected the "i'm dating someone, time to cancel the online dating profile" rule and that was a guy who ended up being a number 6 (see number 6). but i will thank him (in my mind) for giving me the gumption to bring it up with someone i'm dating like he did with me.2. if you are going to join a free site, i recommend okcupid. plenty of fish should be renamed to plenty of hicks. the guys on there (at least around my area) look like they could possibly be parolees, pimps, or fat joe wannabes. it's not pretty. the guys on okcupid are much, much more attractive.3. no matter how many times you state who you will not respond to you will still get messages from guys that are exactly that. i may not be the nicest person in the world but i still feel a tiny bit of guilt when i click delete on a message. poor guy put himself out there and gets nothing back. moment of silence...ok, i'm over it.4. there are way too many middle body shots. either the guy is headless or his face is to heedee-us for the camera.5. which brings me to the penis pics (note the photo, he had a penis pic). mmmhmm. penis. most of the ones with penis pics have only one pic and it is a full-on, hairy, usually ugly and oddly shaped shot of their dong. photos like that do not belong in my online dating inbox. ever.6. this ties into number 1. most of the guys on there are assholes. we all have our reasons for being on the site but if you're reason is just to get it in and get out, try craigslist personals. then you can post all the ugly penis pics you want and get responses from your target audience. i feel like the other guys on there (at least the previous ones i've met) are extremely picky or beyond fake in the first couple weeks of the relationship and then their true colors shine as bright as a tiffany diamond of which they never plan to put on anyone's finger.
my motto again: give it a month. especially when meeting someone online.
so good luck to you online dating goddesses. maybe you'll find more love than i did.

p.s none of this has anything to do with the new guy i'm dating. just want to make that known.

mc hammer and magicians

so, the new guy (we'll call him that for now, it's hard to think of a name for someone that you are trying to be vague about) and i spent pretty much this entire weekend together. friday night we spent the night eating free pizza (1 entire pizza per drink) and dancing at edward sharpe. one of the best shows i've ever been to. alexander and jane win for cutest couple award in my book. i had work at 9a the next day, which if you read this post you would know is not my favorite time of the day. after work, i raced to his house so we could see mc hammer. we didn't quite make it through all the opening acts before his set. we got too hungry and too damn tired. the tickets were free so we hammer-timed outa there and got food. we tried to stay out and party like animals, we really did. but it didn't happen. we ended up back at his place by 1a and falling asleep after a smidge of fun. he still has that magic aura about him that makes me enjoy waking up at outrageous hours of the morning.today, i celebrated my birthday with my family at merlin's magical dinner show. hell yeah i went to a magical dinner show. hell yeah they made me go on stage. hell no i was not happy about it. my favorite uncle came (uncle richie). we're practically the same age (he's 21). that was the best part.

f*** off friday

this f*** off friday is brought to you by the word closet!
i'm kinda an impulse dresser. i get dressed right before i leave in the first thing i feel like wearing and it's usually successful. i am not the kind of person that can plan a day ahead for what i want to wear. so, when its necessary for me to do that i usually end up bringing half of what i own. it's so much fun...not really.life would just be so much easier if i lived in the world of clueless. how is there not an app to photograph your closet so you can put outfits together (uh-oh my brilliance is showing). there have been times where i've considered taking pictures of each piece of clothing i own and making my own clueless closet...then i realized it would take days. i should be spending this time deciding what to bring with me or wear in general. if i could go naked...i wouldn't.
so, f-you closet. why can't you just read my mind and throw put-together outfits in my face every time i walk by you?

morning sunshine

there's a little known fact about me that i think everyone should be warned about. i. am. not. a. morning. person. if i am required to be up anytime before 1030a i am not a happy camper. i like...no...i LOVE sleep. when i do have to wake up at highly unreasonable times (even if there is a very reasonable reason) i don't like to talk much and i usually scare off new sleep over friends.
today happened to be a very different story, and this, my friends, is a very rare thing. there may or may not be a new someone that i may or may not be hanging out with. he is very cute, very talented, very smart, and very, very fun. i'm not quite sure what his nickname will be yet. but i won't be bringing him up too much cause he asked me not to and i respect that (see, i'm not that much of a bitch). anyway, he had work this morning at 10. which required me to be awake by 930a. outrageous! kidding. i can't recall ever being more of a "morning person". i was smiling and cuddly. who the hell is this person?
one of the greatest parts of the night: we got mc hammer tickets for simply participating in a ski-ball contest. and tomorrow this person invited me to see edward sharpe. um...HAPPY GIRL!
also, i'm so glad you guys are going to try out those little miracle workers from lush. lemme know how they work out for you!! i have a feeling they will be life changing. no more dirty chemicals.

lush

ok, so i never go out of my way to pimp out companies, but i am literally still blown away by switching to all organic skin and haircare.
i have always, ALWAYS had acne (gross word). i have always had to put on loads of foundation, concealer, etc. what i hated the most was that i couldn't spend the night at a cute guys house without trying to wake up before him so i could make sure my acne was hidden. when i was working at my previous retail job the creator of duchess of marden came and showed us her line. all natural. i was sold. so i went to lush and bought:1, 2literally, miracle! i figured using crap and chemicals on your face wouldn't do the right job and something natural most likely would. i figured right. so, if you're like me and you have tried every god damn thing you could possibly think of, try this! now. and then thank me later.

magic man

so, let's be honest, i can be a bitch. shocker. but at least i don't take it to a level of calling someone out by name and posting links to their real life.
this girl had the audacity to bitch on her tech blog about the ultra-nerd she met on okcupid. not only did she use her name, but she also used his. which led to massive scorning from the nerd world. what she should have consider when this man told her that he was the world champion of magic was that he gets to travel the world, meet important people (who may have given her a leg up in the tech blog world), and that he has a net worth of over a million dollars. i'm sure any other woman would be able to deal with someone's strange hobby when looking at it from that point of view. i'm also sure that there is a girl out there who read the article that girl wrote and laughed from her penthouse suite in france while mr. ultra-nerd got his magic on.
before i talk about my birthday weekend, i need to introduce a new character. his name is rofl. i've known him since my junior year of high school when he made my junior prom unforgettable by taking triple-c and having his legs humped by 3 girls who called it dancing. we didn't officially start talking till he moved to montana a few months ago and now that we're more mature than leg humps, we're friends. so...my birthday was semi-celebrated all week. and is still being semi-celebrated. last friday night i went to miss courtney jenae's show at on the rox. rofl and i only planned to stay for her set because i was supposed to work at 830 the next morning. on our way back my boss called asking if i could work the dinner shift instead...um yes please! so we went to court's after party. we drank, ate pizza, attempted to turn go fish into a drinking game, and i was embarrassed while everyone sang happy birthday to me (embarrassed in the best way, in the "i feel loved" way). i still haven't worn the birthday dress. i think it has evolved into a sexy date dress because my birthday is now over and i don't think it would be quite appropriate to wear out to dinner with the fam.me embarrassed and drinking vodka out of a coffee mug.miss courtney jenae. check her out. she literally blew me away at her show.